its almost here

It is comming, and it feels like impending doom. I find myself fighting battles to avoid the subject or to control my emotional responce when the topic comes up. All of this means I am packing it in, and eventually whether I want it to or not, all that bottled up emotion will erupt. But for now I sit trying to pretend that March 1st is just a number and a bunch of letters. I wake up trying to pretend the day isn't closer. Almost a year ago, Caleb died in a car accident shortly after 7:00 pm we found out about 9:00 and I saw him without life for the second to last time shortly before or after midnight. It is a blur that I find myself trying to sift through to remember what his hair felt like in my fingers. Mom followed him not too long after that, and I don't blame her. It was just too much, she had nothing left to fight the cancer with. Sometimes I imagine their meeting and all the love they shared in that moment. Its a moment I long for. I still deam about him from time to time. In those dreams we are both alive and I am always trying to save him from dying. What I feel most is loss. It is a new feeling word I have become freshly accuainted with. It means there is something always missing. It is sad sometimes, sometimes it isn't but it is always there.