Josh's Spot

This Broken Place (Japan, Eden, and everywhere else)

2011-03-21T07:45:00.000-07:00

How can you not look at the horror of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan and wonder, even if just for a second: Is God really a loving God? Is God really an all-powerful God? It can't possibly be both, right? I mean that is the question being bumped around the world right now. More importantly, it is the question that has drilled its painful little punctuations right into our hearts. How can one look at such horror, loss and pain and not be shaken, not doubt, not question?

The world is utterly broken.

We see the brokenness of the world, the earth, when tsunamis happen on a grand and terrible scale. But signs of the broken world surround us everyday: broken bodies, broken hearts, broken children, broken parents, broken systems. When we take our blinders off its easy to see, its not hiding, this is a broken place.

It's been like that for a long, long time, but it wasn't always this way and it wasn't supposed to be this way.

The story goes something like this:

There once was a garden, more beautiful than you could ever imagine. Not a garden like in your mom's backyard, but a garden as if the whole earth was full and plentiful and perfect. I know its hard to image in a place like that while huffing in the toxins and fumes of years and years of pollutants. But try. This place was full of everything beautiful and everything good. There was a Father and his two children and this family was perfect, in fact you really could say that they were made for each other. There was so much love, real love, perfect love. In fact the Father had brought about the two children in love and to love, to love him and to love each other. True love of course requires freedom. It's not true love after all if it is forced or manipulated and so with everything else in the whole world, with his very own love the father gave his children freedom. Freedom to do as they saw fit, freedom to make their own choices, freedom to love, a freedom that would not be recalled. About this time a lie crept into the world, a lie that would change it all that would break it all. The lie was whispered into the hearts and souls of the children. The lie was that the father really didn't love them, not fully, not perfectly. After all if he did why would he have given the children a choice. Its a lie that is still whispered to us all today. Its a lie that seems to creep in when we need to know the truth about true love the most. The kids bought the lie and as it is with all choices, that choice had consequences. This beautiful place along with the heart of the father...broke. It was no longer as it should be.

In a place like this the water was perfect, the food was plentiful, the earth grew and blossomed and now decay and death, earthquakes and tsunamis, pain, loss and everything that didn't belong made its way into this world. Not because of the father...but because of the kids...because of us, because we chose and continue to choose our own way, a way that has always and will always continue to break down, corrupt and pollute what was once perfect.

Because everything is connected, everything is broken.

Including the earth.

Including us.

I felt this more than I ever had when death and disease became personal. On March 1st 2008 I lost my 19 year old baby brother in a horrific car accident. I went to the hospital and saw his broken body. I saw the broken ground, the broken car. My soul was pierced. On March 14 2008 I lost my mother after a short fight with pancreatic cancer. Her broken body. Our broken hearts.

It was never supposed to be like this...and I believe that one day it will be like this no longer.

Where is the paradox? Love requires choice and freedom and freedom isn't real freedom if every time we choose to break something God stays our hand. I believe in a God who is love and defines true love...and true love requires the kind of freedom that broke the whole earth from the beginning. True love stays true even when we are breaking things.

I know at time like this when tragedy is still so near and fresh, theological debate is about as useful as throwing a tennis ball at a tornado. I know that what the people in Japan need most is not discussion, platitudes or even Christians trying to make a point. What they need most is love, prayer, support and probably money. What they need somehow is a father, lets call him God, to walk with them through the storm, through the pain, through the destruction and through the brokenness. A God who is loving enough and powerful enough to not let anything: not trouble, not hardship, not persecution or famine or nakedness, not death or life, angels or daemons, the present or the future, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in this messed up and broken place to separate them from his very own love.

Free Talks on iTunes

2010-08-05T08:29:00.000-07:00

Just uploaded a new podcast to iTunes, called Everything Changes. You can check out some of my talks for free on iTunes. Search for: joshua ott in the search bar. Subscribe to have the newest talks downloaded to your iPod or iPhone or just to your computer. We make zero dollars off this, it is a free resource given to you by GEFC. The church I am the lead dude at. If you want to support the continuation of stuff like this you can donate to the church here: http://gefccressona.org/Giving.html

All of these donations go directly to the church not to me. Which is a great thing because they help support many of the awesome ministries of this church.

I hope to be posting some more talks on i-tunes soon. And some more questions will be answered on this blog in the upcoming months

Jesus Storybook

2010-04-02T08:44:00.000-07:00

I was reading this to my daughter Taylor last night and it just drew me in. Great "Kid's Bible," But my recommendation is for everyone to pick one of these up and read it. It tells the story in such a beautiful way.

I haven't looked forward to reading the next part of spiritual book in a long time. But if I had a day on the beach with this one, it would be done in record time.

The Jesus Storybook Bible
Every story whispers his name

Recommended: What's so amazing about grace? Visual Edition

2010-03-08T17:04:00.000-08:00

People always ask me what I am reading. Right now its: What's so amazing about grace? Visual Edition. This is a must have book. I have read the full version (and its great) but this visual version is something I keep coming back too. It helps me keep things in perspective.

Amazon has great prices...just click the link and pick up your copy today.

Whats the easiest way to explain the difference between all the religions?

2010-03-05T11:07:00.000-08:00

Its a very good question. After much thought I decided to avoid a lengthy discussion and to just list a few.

Grace...it means unmerited favor. In other words we don't get what we should get. We get forgiveness instead of punishment, a faithful God in spite of our unfaithfulness, unconditional love instead of love with strings attached.

Love...Many other religions have a loving leader who cared for his, her or its people but not even close to the extent of Jesus. First the Christian God loves all, not just those who are doing a good job following him. He loves us all unconditionally. Nothing you could do could make God love you more and nothing you could do could make him love you less. The Bible say in 1 John 4 that God is love. Love is perfected in God which means it is complete. You don't have to work to win his favor. He already favors you.

God is pursuing you ...always has been and always will be. It doesn't matter who you are or what you've done, God is pursuing you with His love. His great hope is that you will accept His love. That you will take the forgiveness offered to you, because you will never be perfect, and He can't expect you to be. Because He knows you will do it again...He knows you need forgiveness. Forgiveness so that you can be free, so that you can have hope, so that you can walk into a place that is perfect as something you could never be on your own...perfect.

Maybe that's the biggest thing of all...where else is there a god who died on a cross because He loved so deeply the people he created? What other God demonstrated His love in dying for us so that we wouldn't have to die spiritually and then rose for us, so that we could live again? What other God would send all that He had...His son... to this dirty and dark place to die for a bunch of screw ups like us?

Listen, this is important...The story of God and Christ was never supposed to be about religion. We interject religion as people and inevitably things get messed up. Christians have made many mistakes. We have mistreated people, even nations, and done horrible things, sometimes even in the name of God. And so from a religious standpoint people can make a pretty good case that Christians aren't much different than any other religion. But here is the most important thing: This story is not about religion...its not about being religious...its about faith...its about hope...its about love...its about being able to have a relationship, real and active, with a God who loves us perfectly.

2010-02-27T22:45:00.000-08:00

Honesty...It goes a long way in our relationships with others and in our relationship with God. to really embrace honesty we have to stop hiding. Some things we have kept in the dark need to be shown the light. Scary? For sure. But who knows we may be surprised to find out that even with out junk we are loved.

Why isn't God as satisfying as my addictions?

2010-02-15T10:00:00.000-08:00

"Hey, My addictions keep coming back? I traded them for God. Why isn't he as satisfying?" sincerely Kantkic Dahabit.

Hey Kantkic,

There is something about your question that captures the struggle of so many, so well.

There is so much I could write about addictions and because this stuff is pretty important I'm going to try to stay on task. But I could not possibly get into everything that may be helpful in one post. So here's a blip, hopefully it will raise some more questions and we can continue this conversation in the future.

Addictions are linked to tolerance and dependence. Our body builds up a tolerance for a certain substance and then our normal mode of functioning (on the inside) is altered to a new normal. In simple terms, we now need the substance to feel normal. We depend on the substance to feel normal, physically, and emotionally. Unfortunately it doesn't stop there. Often we continue to tolerate more and more of the substance, which means it takes more and more of the substance to feel normal and we need more to get lit up, high, smashed, stoned (whatever you want to call it.)

Each substance (or thing) we get addicted too has its own unique way of affecting our brains and bodies so it is difficult to talk specifics without knowing what addictions you struggle with. People struggle with addictions to drugs, sex, alcohol, pornography, nicotine, adrenaline, prescription drugs, food...the list could go on and on. To really get the help, you need to talk to someone who can talk you through some specifics and help you get the help you need.

One thing they all seem to have in common is the way they affect the pleasure centers of your brain. Addictions alter the normal functioning of these pleasure centers as well. They cause you to be dependent on substance to feel pleasure plus it takes more and more to feel the pleasure you were seeking. Remove the substance and crash...withdraw, which often includes depression.

Addictions are not something you just trade away in a day. The body has to go through the process of getting back its original mode of operation. Sometimes the process of beating an addiction takes a long time and a lot of hard work. Deciding to do the work is a great first step...if they keep coming back I think it is time you got some help, talk to a school counselor, call a private counselor, or talk to your doctor. The point is to get some professional help.

Addictions have consequences and eventually these consequences get pretty messy. These addictions don't just affect the addict. Inevitably a lot of people get hurt by the addiction.

I think these consequences affect our relationship with God as well. We replace God with our addiction. We come to depend on our addiction to fill our needs instead of depending on God to fill them.

I think to start to get ourselves back to a good spiritual place, its good to ask ourselves what our needs are, or what pain or hurt we are try to make go away. I guess I am suggestion you look into why you have been starting on the roads to your addictions. And then start to take those things to God and ask him to help you deal with them. That might be hard for you to do if you don't really understand who God is. I find so many people think God is some kind of angry, punishing, disappointed God. He is not like that at all. There is no one more on your side than God is. He loves you completely and nothing you could do could ever make him love you less, nothing you could do could ever make him love you more. He might not be as satisfying because you have not really started to search him, to know him to understand his love.

I think God doesn't feel as satisfying sometimes, because we don't give Him the chance to be. We expect a quick high, when the reality is the real change that leads to real satisfaction takes healing and time. What God has for you is so much better and lasting and real than what the addictions have to offer. In the short term a drug may seem more satisfying but in the long run it makes a huge mess of your life. The life God has for you is so much better, filled with so much hope and love. Its hard to trust that everyday and I find myself having to remember that. I guess it really boils down to trust. Who do you trust with your life, with your future?

I wrote a little more about addictions some time ago...here's the link: ADDICTION LINK

I hope this helps, or at least helps you form some different question. Feel free to get back in touch with me. ottjgefc@verizon.net

And please seek professional help.

Josh

Can you explain the book of revelations?

2010-02-01T07:17:00.000-08:00

So I thought I would start out with an easy one...

"Dear Josh

Can you describe the book of revelations?

Sincerely,

Isit Theend"

Nope! Haha.
Seriously I can't and I am not going to even try. There is a lot of confusing theological stuff that many very smart theologians disagree on. Which is why I think it is so funny that so many Christians and Pastors get all worked up about it to the point of name calling. For many, unfortunately it has become an obsesion. That's not to say you can't learn from the book, you should but obsesing about the end makes us look like lunatics to many of the people we are supposed to be loving toward Christ. Christians have been promoting the end of the world for centuries. For centuries we have been looking like fools. For centuries we have focused on the end and neglected the now. I don't think God wants us to negect the now.
So maybe I am being harsh. Some people love to study and think about Revelations. Their relationship with God grows in that way than I am all for that. For me, I think I have enough to do today so I am not going to worry about tommorrow. I need to be doing things like loving the people I am around, being a good father and husband, being a good friends and loving and trusting God more. Some day Jesus will come back and that is the jist of the book and the one thing I think will be really awesome, especially when he ends all of the suffering. I am just not going to engage in a discussion on when and how. I figure He has that stuff all worked out. If He has it figured out then I don't need to have it all figured out. I just need to trust Him.

Thanks for the question. Live in the now.

Josh

Why am I not beautiful? (I hate how I look.)

2009-10-05T07:39:00.000-07:00

"Dear Josh,
I need some help. I'm not confident or happy with myself at all. I see all these beautiful girls walking around and I just hate how I will never look like them. I sometimes cry myself to sleep and wish I had a purpose in this world. Please help me.
Sincerely, Hurting"

Dear Hurting,
First I want you to know that you are not alone. There are so many girls and women who feel just like you. They wake up each morning wishing they looked different...wishing they were someone else. It breaks my heart. We live in a culture that has distorted beauty and self-worth. Media blasts us with the message that if we don't look a certain way we are not worth as much as others. It's a lie that has caused us to connect outward "beauty" with purpose. Your purpose in this world is so much bigger than you could ever imagine and it has nothing to due with how you look, it has to do with your heart. You have a purpose...you are worth so much.

And the way you are told to look by our culture doesn't exist...

My child...you are beautiful! As a father of two beautiful little girls (I guess I write this from that perspective) I look at my little angels and my heart is filled with complete joy. I want to be with them, I want to play and laugh with them, I want to soak up everything about them. My life revolves around them. When they laugh, I laugh and when they cry, I cry. I am so completely in love with those little girls and it has absolutely nothing to do with how they look. I know your father too...not your earthly father, but your heavenly Father, and he delights in you, just as you are. He laughs when you laugh, and his heart breaks when your's does. He wants to be with you all the time. He is so completely in love with you and it has nothing to do with how you look. In fact in his eyes, its not that how you look doesn't matter...he sees you as his creation and he sees you as you are as beautiful.

Proverbs 31:30 say that outward charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting...it doesn't last. So while man continues to look at the meaningless (outward beauty) God continues to look at your heart (1 Samuel 16:7). It is that heart that is most important. In fact God even directs us not to be adorning on the outside but to be beautiful on the inside (1 Peter 3:3-4). It's as if God knew his beautiful kids would be tempted to buy into a lie that they are not beautiful. Don't believe the lies.

You are beautiful!

Josh

Is God all I need?

2009-09-28T06:26:00.000-07:00

"Hi Josh, Why do we as believers still need to feel loved by other people? I know that God's love is all we need, so why is feeling loved by others so important to us? I feel like I desire to feel like I'm loved by others too much. So basically, what role is being loved by others supposed to play in a Christian's life?"

Thanks, Stillneeding Luv

Hey Stillneeding Luv,

God isn't all you need. It's true that his grace is sufficient for you and that his strength is made perfect in your weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). God's grace holds you up and gets you by even through the toughest times. It is also true that God will supply all of your needs (Philippians 4:19) but that does not mean he is all you need. He is the source of all you need, he is what you need most, he is what you need desperately...but you need others as well. You were designed with a need for others. You couldn't make it alone and God never intended you too.

God created in the Garden of Eden (cool story in the book of Genesis). When it came time for man to be created God wasn't satisfied with man being alone. God knew and declared that it wasn't good for man to be alone. In fact nothing in all of God's creation, in the entire Garden of Eden (the place where God walked with man) met Adam's need for a companion...someone to walk with through life. So, God created Eve, and she and Adam were made for each other, because people need people on this walk of life.

Did you know that over a hundred years ago babies living in large orphanages were dying at an alarming rate. The babies were dying from a condition called "marasmus", which basically means they were wasting away due to malnutrition. The confusing thing was, these babies were being fed all of the appropriate nourishment. They moved the infants to smaller settings were they received hands on touch and care with the same formula they had been using before and the babies began to thrive. The solution proved that we need physical touch to thrive. We need others. You were created with this need, it will always be there. (click hear to read more)

We need each other for so much (encouragement, help, becoming better people) but what it really boils down to is this... we need each other's love. That's why over and over again in the bible, we get specific instruction and emphasis on loving others. Jesus said it was the second greatest thing we could do right behind loving God. He told his disciples to love each other the way he loved them. In 1 John 4 it tells us that if we don't love others we don't even understand or know who God is.

You need others to walk with you through life and on your journey with God.

The problem is we are always hurting each other. We don't always treat others with love. We act selfishly, we even bring each other down. That's why it is so important to keep your heart in check and keep your priorities straight. It is possible to desire the love of others too much. When we get to that dangerous spot, we start compromising who we are, what we believe, what we value, even our healthy relationships to get the love we are seeking. When we get to those spots we really need to search our hearts, find what is driving that desire and re-channel it into our relationship with God and healthy friendships with others.

You need others but you need God more. Care more about what he says about you than what others say. Listen to him, before you listen to others. Desire him first and others second. But pay attention, because God has this way of using the relationships we have to help us see him.

Your friend,

Josh

Questions, Questions and more Questions.

2009-09-21T11:42:00.000-07:00

I am sick and I am trying not to complain. Unfortunately I am not going to answer a question this week, instead I am going to concentrate on the essential stuff that I need to get done PLEASE SEND ME MORE QUESTIONS. This is your chance to ask anything you want and have a speaker/pastor (although I very much hate titles) give you as honest an answer as he can. i have about thirty more to go but I want more. You ask some awesome questions...keep them coming. Send them to ottjgefc@verizon.net.

Thanks,
Josh

Why does God allow suffering?

2009-09-14T07:58:00.000-07:00

"Dear Josh,

What is your take on God and his necessity for suffering?

Sincerely, Dontunderstand

Dear Dontunderstand,

Your question is one that a lot of people wrestle with. It is asked in many different ways (although I particularly like the way you asked it), here are some of them: "How can you believe in a God of love who lets things like cancer, tsunamis and murders happen?," or "What kind of sick God could plan or allow terrible things to happen to people he claims to love?" or "How can you believe in a God of love who allowed your 57 year old mom to get cancer (a woman who served God her whole life) and die just 7 months later from it only 2 weeks after your youngest brother (19 years old) died in a car accident?" To be perfectly honest, I am not sure I have all the answers for you. How can I explain or even understand so much pain and hurt? Its confusing to try to wrap our minds around a loving God and a hurt filled world. We shouldn't be okay with all of the suffering we see. It should bother us. The insights I have come from my own struggle through my faith in the midst of very personal and deep loss and pain. You can read my mom's story here and my brother's here. This is what I believe when it comes to a pain filled world and a God who loves and is love.

In the midst of such intense pain I remember asking a lot of my own questions. Why did God take my mom and brother? Did he take them or did they just go? What kind of God would use suffering as part of his plan for me? What could God teach me through suffering that he couldn't teach me through any other means? My answers to these questions were a bit unsettling. If I believe in a God who is big and capable of anything then how can suffering be necessary for him to work things out in my life, or in my mother's or brother's life? What loads of questions and lots of suffering led to was a the somewhat peaceful understanding that suffering is not necessary but it is inevitable. To be honest many Christians, even "important" ones would make me feel like one day I would understand why all of this tragedy happened in my life and that I wouldn't trade my suffering for the lessons I learned and the things God showed me about himself. That's a big load of crap, and those people are not safe people to be around when you are hurting. I lost my brother and mother a year and a half ago and there is no new "big thing" I learned or experience in my relationship with God. I would trade so much to have them back even just for a few moments. Maybe some would say I have not been out of the woods long enough to say something like that. To which I guess I would agree, because I am still in the woods, but I believe that is why I can be honest about suffering and about God. I am not too far removed from them both. To say God must use suffering as part of his "plan" for us is to place faith in a very small God. Suffering is not necessary!

It is, however, unavoidable.

So then we must ask: If my God is big enough to do anything than why is suffering unavoidable? Is God all loving and too weak to do anything about suffering or strong but not loving so he doesn't care that we suffer? To answer those questions I think it is best to look at a few different types of suffering. There are three kinds of suffering in the world. I think sometimes we blame God for our pain when really God had been trying to show us a diferent way for a long, long time.

The first class of suffering is the kind of suffering we like to create as humans. We are constantly hurting each other. We murder, terrorize and steal. When some idiot picks up a gun and starts shooting people or some other idiot flies a plane into a building, a lot of suffering and pain fills our world. So how can God allow that to happen? My answer to that question seems ridiculous to type. My answer is...love. You see we were created in the image of God with free will by a God who loves us completely. And in our free will we were given the right to choose God or choose ourselves, choose to love or choose to hate, choose to treat others with love or choose to hurt others. So often we choose to hurt. True love requires freedom and it requires choice and our choices have consequences. If God were to only allow us to choose the good and right things or if every time we made a bad choice God opted us out of the consequences of that choice, we don't have real freedom to choose and God didn't create us out of love because he doesn't really love us.

Second, there are these things that cause suffering that are part of our natural or existing world. Hurricane Katrina, or the Tsunami, even cancer and disease could be thrown into this category. These tragedies seem to have no cause and so it becomes easy for us to point to God as the cause. To understand this type of suffering or tragedy we have to go way back to the garden of Eden. Do you remember that man and woman were created in this beautiful, cancer free, tsunami free, thorn free, pain free place called the Garden of Eden. Everything was perfect until then they used their freedom to disobey God. They sinned and chose themselves and the consequences of that choice affected everything, because everything is connected! The garden changed, the earth changed, it became tough for man to farm, Adam and Eve's bodies changed, childbearing became painful, they became mortal and death for the first time entered the story of mankind...because people chose it. Our earth is still suffering the consequences of our choices. (Romans 8:18-22)

The third kind of suffering I want to talk about is tough because it is suffering that comes at the hand of God. I want you to know that most of the suffering we feel in our lives comes from the first two clumps of suffering. But once in a long while suffering comes from God. Gangrene can infect the limb of a person and if not dealt with it can cause an infection in the bloodstream that will cost the person his or her life. Sometimes the doctor has to amputate a leg to save the person. Imagine an operating room where a surgeon is amputating the leg of a patient with gangrene. Now if you took the operating room out of the picture and you eliminated the nurses and took the surgery garbs off of both the patient and the doctor so that you really weren't seeing all there is to see, it would be easy for you to think that some sick dude was chopping off another dudes leg for fun or to torture him. But as you start to get the whole picture and the operating room comes back into sight and the nurses appear, and the monitors appear you start to see that it is a Doctor not a sick psycho and that the Doctor is carefully removing a part to save the whole, and you would know that the doctor does not wish to do this procedure, he has to. Sometimes, we suffer because God is sacrificing a part to save the whole and this too he is doing out of love.

People always talk about God's will for you or God's plan for you. "God has a plan!" I hate hearing that, it seems like a cop out to me, an easy way to answer a tough question. This makes people think they should ask God, when they are in tough time, what his plan is in all of this. I think that's the wrong question. Over and over and over again in scripture Jesus promises that he will never leave or abandon his children. Yeah the Bible talks about God's plan for us but it talks a lot more of God's presence with us when the wheels of life fall off. At the end of Matthew, Jesus' last words to the disciples are, "I am with you always, to the very end of the age." In fact he says that he will be with us much more than he says "hey don't worry I have a plan." Early he had said, "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart...I have overcome the world." What if the right question to be asking is: "In the midst of all this pain...Where are you Jesus?" I think when we start to ask that question, we start to see Jesus walking with us through the tragedies and pain in life. He often shows up in wats we don't expect him to...but he is always there.

Interestingly it wasn't just your sins Jesus carried to the cross. Isaiah 53:4 says, "surely he took up our infirmaries and carried our sorrows..." He knows you and he knows your pain, and he wants to help you walk through suffering. He has felt it before, he knows it hurts and he can help you through it.

In Romans 8:28 we also learn that he takes the stuff, we mean to hurt others, stuff meant for evil and he draws good out of it. He is the master manipulator (I am sure someone will get upset over that terminology), he can take the worst things in this life and he can make them bearable, and pull little bits of good out of them, he can start to transform the messes of life into something good.

I know it can be confusing, and you shouldn't be okay with suffering. It should always bother you. But know that it bothers God as well. And so he says to mourn with those who morn and to weep with those who weep. So I want you to know that when someone you love is suffering, don't try to talk to them about suffering or even about God, at least not until you have mourned and wept with them a while. He is close to the broken hearted.

Peace and Love,

Josh

Why do people judge me?

2009-09-09T06:37:00.000-07:00

"Dear Josh,
I've done things that aren't cool. Why do people who do the same judge me?
Sincerely, Judgersarejerks"

Dear Judgersarejerks,

Hey, thanks for being so honest and humble. You have a good start on life if you are willing to admit your own failures and weaknesses. I'm sorry people judge you. I know what that feels like and it isn't fun.
I think people like to hide who they really are. In the Christian world it is a sick game that ends up hurting a lot of people and creating this kind of self-righteous "our crap doesn't stink" attitude among the rest. People hide because they are scared. Scared of being outed for whatever they did and scared of what people (parents, friends, girlfriends, church people, etc) will think about them if they knew. People like to hide by acting like they aren't so bad. So they prop themselves up and push others down. Sometimes they are tyring to fool others, sometimes they are trying to fool themselves. All the time they are judging liars. So listen, who cares what jerks like that think. In fact who cares what people think, period. Use God as your judge (he is gentle, kind and good) and not others (who are foolish, selfish and not good). Listen to what he says about you, his voice should matter most. Say sorry when you mess up, but don't live in guilt, live in forgiveness and freedom.
Jesus, has harsh words about those who judge, "Do not judge and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven." (Luke 6:37) Before you google search the topic, you should know that there are idiots on the Internet who theologically confuse judging with using judgement. Using judgement is thinking through right and wrong, good choices and poor choices, who it may be healthy for you to hang out with and who it may not be healthy for you to hang out with. So use your judgement and don't hang out with judgers. They also confuse it with loving accountability (Paul and Lydia in acts). Sometimes we need friends to help us see things in our own lives that we can't see ourselves. But these people are not judging, they are lifting us up, they are being our mirror, they always are friends and they always do it in loads of love and gentleness.
I think it is funny that Jesus called people names. He called the a lot of church people hypocrites and he did it because they judged others, acting like they were better than everyone else. A great story to check out is John 8:1-11
I blog about it here

Hope that helps my friend. Thanks for being so cool and honest.

Josh

Smokin' the Mohasty (Is smoking weed a sin?)

2009-08-31T09:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Josh,
"Where does it say in the bible that smoking pot is a sin?"
sincerely Mr. Canigetstonedwithouttheguilt.

I love this question, especially because I had this crazy dream, last week, about one of the trustees at my church being high at a church event. It was one crazy and very funny dream. There are a lot of mixed messages out there about smoking pot. You have the whole "legalize it" agenda vs the pot smokers "go to hell" group. Such polarizing sides blur an honest discussion. I'll try to keep it as honest as I can.

The Bible speaks about the issue and it should be noted that drugs have been around for a long time (a shroom called fly agaric was a favorite in biblical times), so it probably was a relevant topic back then as well. I think there are two main concepts in the drugs and God topic. Titus 3:1 says, "Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good..." So until Joe Rogan and the legalize it brigade win out in Washington, and smoking the peace pipe becomes legal, the bible says don't do it, its wrong because it is against the law.

There is another issue that comes into play here...is smoking pot bad for you? This debate rages on and on with both sides taking scientific facts and spinning them to their side. Everyone who has ever tried to deal me the stuff claims its great for you and should be taken with your morning cereal. One the other team you have "The Man" (government) and lets be honest they have been making their share of mistakes. Here are the scientific truths: Marijuana smoke contains carcinogenic toxins. For those of you who don't know the big words yet. Carcinogenic means cancer causing. One of the guilty parties is called acetaldehyde which actually changes your DNA making you more prone to cancer. Many independent scientist agree that smoking 3 joints is causes the same amount of lung damage as 20 cigarettes. The chemical in marijuana that connects with your brain, and gives the user the high is THC. For a long time Marijuana use was thought to have no physical or biological addictive properties. We now know that THC is addictive as it alters the brains normal function, and over time with extended use, the brain becomes dependant on THC to maintain its new sense of normalcy. THC is also easily stored in fat cells. Your brain is made up of mostly fat. Some think that this can influence the tendency for some users to become "pot heads" where use of the drug affects motivation, drive, desire, excitement and hope. The scientific verdict on fat/pot head syndrome is still out.
I once had a pot head friend who was motivated just enough that he wanted to want to do something with his life, but smoked out enough that getting to the lunch appointment with me was all the further he ever made it on the issue. Those were the stupidest conversations I ever had with a person. He would admit to you that the lifestyle is also addictive. Smoking pot also affects the heart. The heart beat begins to rapidly clime, while pressure drops. This means that a user is 4 more times likely to have a heart attack the 1st hour after use. That is why my semi-motivated friend quit. He was convinced he was having a heart attack went to the ER and doctor's think he may have had a small one.
All of this to say, 2 Corinthians 7:1, "let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God."

I hope that answers your question. But I am more interested in why you asked it? I understand a little something about drug use and my feeling is that something else is going on besides just the desire to get a little smashed up. Are you escaping something, some kind of pain or pressure? Are you unhappy with your life? I'm not saying there is something there, just asking that you be honest and take a look at what is going on inside of you.

Peace (just without the pipe) Mr. Canigetstonedwithouttheguilt,

Josh

Questions???????????????????????

2009-07-28T18:02:00.001-07:00

I realize that my posts of late have been less than par, at least in my opinion. So I am going to try something new. I was recently at one of America's top ten Christian camps, Camp Orchard Hill (google it - its for real). The place was packed with Senior highers. We set up buckets in the bathrooms (thanks to a brilliant sound man) and I told the group they could anonymously drop any question they had about anything in the buckets and I would try to answer them from up front. Unfortunately church (or at least many churches) are not safe places to ask certain questions. Fortunately camp is a safe place. The kids filled the buckets up with all kinds of questions. So many questions came in that I had to dump my talk for Thursday night and do the students talk. Their topics were much more interesting than mine anyway. Everything from the problem of pain, to sexuality. I spoke for an hour and dismissed everyone, telling them I would stay and answer questions and if they wanted to stay they could. No one left. They wandered to the bathroom and came back. I answered questions for another 45 minutes and again tried to end the night and relieve them of their misery. They wanted more. "Answer them all," someone said and the rest of the crowd roared in agreement. I couldn't believe it. The talk went for 2 1/2 hours and they stood and cheered. It wasn't for me, and it wasn't because it was over. I am pretty sure they were cheering for each other and for God. I wanted to cheer for them too.
What does this have to do with this post? I am going to start telling their questions and then answering them in the blog posts. Everything will be anonymous (except for my answers.) My answers will not be complete, but they will be honest and they will not be simplistic. I will disable comments on those posts so that you theologians don't get in and try to debate with me or each other. The answers will be geared toward the people who asked them. Students...maybe your students...maybe your kids. If you have a question you would like to add to the list send it to me via email. You can also send your hate, love, theological opinions, arguments...whatever to my email as well. ottjgefc@verizon.net is the best one to use.

Church is not (or at least most churches are not) a safe place to ask questions. But the questions are still asked and if they are asked then someone is trying to answer them. Why not here?

ASK AWAY!

Three

2009-07-13T11:33:00.000-07:00

The greatest of all these...Written to the church of Corinth, a roudy bunch. These people were a mess, but as we all are they were loved by God. They struggled with everything people today struggle with. They were a people on a journey with God that didn't always look pretty. As a church they put priority on things that weren't worthy of priority and they didn't concern themselves with things they should have concerned themselves with. Sounds familiar. Sounds like my life some days, sounds like my church some days; probably because it is a struggle that is pretty universal. So inspired Paul the preacher man, wrote a letter (actually two and maybe three which some scholars say existed but was lost). In hist first letter, at the end of a long conversation about church people using their gifts in church he brings them back to the most important stuff. Without this stuff everything else is kind of a wast of time, nothing more than noise. "Three remain," he says, "faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." Sweet ending to the convo if you ask me. It is in these three that all should be done, in these three that all should be said, in these three that all I have to offer anyone on anything becomes real. When what to do and how to do it become the confusing question of your day, I hope you hold onto these three. When confusion sweeps in and uneasiness knocks you off balance hold onto these three. When anger rises and fears grip, center on these three. Faith, Hope and Love

Creating environments where people can be real.

2009-04-26T17:04:00.000-07:00

We don't foster environments where people can let go and be real. We don't foster honesty or honest dialogue. Not in this culture and not in the church today. Especially not in the church. ofcourse things get messy when people start getting into the real deep stuff of their hearts. The chaos...the doubts...the mistakes...the wounds. I think it is worth the mess. It is worth it to get to really know someone and to learn how to love them, how to be a true friend. Ofcource it is also the level we are supposed to be operating on with those around us, evidenced by a God who spoke to the deep needs and hidden things of people's hearts, last time he visited this earth.
Are you fostering an environment where people can feel safe to work through deep and sometimes scary stuff around you.
Are you a safe person (confidential, trust worthy, gentle, caring, etc.)?
Thoughts?

Easter Reflections

2009-04-12T17:30:00.000-07:00

My hope, my faith and my freedom all belong to this day. Without this day, or what it represents, I have nothing, I am lost, alone, desperate, ruined a liar and a con-man. I realized the significance of Resurrection Sunday to a greater extent this year. That death was beaten once some 2000+ years ago made me smile all the way to church today. I have celebrated Easter my whole life. I have preached and taught about Easter many times...yet this year, the hope of life after death that was given to me by this day, by my faith in the Resurrection, this hope had a few more familiar faces attatched to it. I will see my mom and my brother again because of a bloody cross and an empty tomb. I am free from the things that drag me down, from my self inflicted wounds, from my unhealthy patterns of behavior, from the guilt and pain of a life filled with disappointing and disappointments, because my faith has a home not in the dirt, hidden behind a stone but in the heavens, with all those who have gone before me...with the risen one...my messiah...my friend and my brother, Jesus Christ.

its almost here

2009-02-24T09:12:00.000-08:00

It is comming, and it feels like impending doom. I find myself fighting battles to avoid the subject or to control my emotional responce when the topic comes up. All of this means I am packing it in, and eventually whether I want it to or not, all that bottled up emotion will erupt. But for now I sit trying to pretend that March 1st is just a number and a bunch of letters. I wake up trying to pretend the day isn't closer. Almost a year ago, Caleb died in a car accident shortly after 7:00 pm we found out about 9:00 and I saw him without life for the second to last time shortly before or after midnight. It is a blur that I find myself trying to sift through to remember what his hair felt like in my fingers. Mom followed him not too long after that, and I don't blame her. It was just too much, she had nothing left to fight the cancer with. Sometimes I imagine their meeting and all the love they shared in that moment. Its a moment I long for. I still deam about him from time to time. In those dreams we are both alive and I am always trying to save him from dying. What I feel most is loss. It is a new feeling word I have become freshly accuainted with. It means there is something always missing. It is sad sometimes, sometimes it isn't but it is always there.

Remember

2008-12-07T14:48:00.001-08:00

I have recently spent a lot of time remembering the hurt of this year. Sometimes I think I am glad to be able to still connect so intensely with the pain of loosing my brother and mother this past march. In some strange way it makes them feel close. My broken heart will always be a reminder of the great love I shared with them. I still sob without warning, and once in a long while I still flash back to the hospitals or the place I found out about Caleb. When my dad calls, I still think for a split second that he is going to tell me something terribly world shattering. When I see his name on the caller id my heart races and my stomach drops. I over-react to minor injuries my daughter suffers as if there is still some buried emotion that is wanting to escape. One of my friends tells me I am great at processing this stuff. That is a skill I wish I didn't have or never had to use.

My year serves as a reminder to me: This world is real and full of hurt and pain for so many. Life is short and we need to show love to people around us.

My good friend Jeff, who is like a brother to me, just recently lost his dad to terminal cancer the surgery the disease required. My heart broke again as I listen to his heart break over the phone. I wish I didn't understand what he is going through. I wish he never had to experience the feelings we both know all to well. The feelings that leave you changed forever. My friend John spent the last week sitting at the hospital with a friend who almost didn't make it after she was hit by an SUV (hit and run) while walking. Fortunately she is on the road to recovery. As I write this my friend Alisha is sitting by her mom's hospital bed. Her mom lays in intensive care after another car accident. She is fighting for her life and is in a coma. They still don't know how bad the damage is. They are clinging to whatever hope they can grasp.

So much hurt and loss, but even in great loss there is hope. Will you please remember my friends as you continue to remember us.

Where the rubber meets the road...

2008-11-12T07:16:00.000-08:00

I just had a conversation with a friend involved in a very cool ministry. The ministry (and part of me even hates to call it that because of the stigma put on that very churchy word, but at the same time I can't not call it that because they do more real ministry than any church or youth program I have come in contact with in the last 10 years) is a youth center located in the south central part of the keystone state. This particular youth center is a safe place for teens, many of whom are dealing with some real heavy stuff, to come and hear about a real Jesus, who loved people just like them. They are not asked to pretend when they come. There is no jive worship band, no long lectures, no stupid manipulations just a real, life like, honest discussion about God. When a kid swears while asking a question about God, they focus on the question not the swear. When a kid acts out they focus on the kid's heart, not the kid's actions. The staff has their work cut out for them every night. They break up fights, meet with police and try to keep drug deals off the property all while feeding these kids food and love and the dirty Gospel. The gospel the way it was intended to be spoken. It is a place where they deal with real stuff all the time and they deal with it in a real way, the kind of way that scares a lot of "christian" ministers who are more concerned about appearance than heart. A lot of people can't do real ministry with the broken people of this world, because it is too much, too dirty. It is the kind of work that requires you to let go of too much, it requires you to care too much, it requires you to get dirty yourself. My friend gets attacked for being a voice much like mine and in many ways a much better voice than mine. He gets attacked because other youth ministers, pastors, christian faculty members don't get it...don't want to get it...are too threatened by any voice that tries to wake the church from its great self-indulging slumber. I love the church, always have, always will. But I think St. Augustine was right when he said, "the church is a whore, but she is my mother."

By the way: I am so proud of my Church. While no church is perfect I have been watching the start of something great at my church. It is found in people who are willing, who want to be pulled out of their comfort zone (even knowing it will not always be fun) just in the hopes that we will get to do some real ministry with the broken and lost people God puts in our path.

My friend told me today that his board was dreaming about starting a church for these students and their families. If they do I hope I get to speak there someday. I am proud to know my friend, he is an advocate for the lost and his ministry is the church, the real church, the church the way it was intended to be.

Caleb's B-day

2008-08-22T09:11:00.001-07:00

It is Caleb's birthday today. He would have been twenty. I would say he is twenty but I am not sure time is counted the same way up there. It is a sad day, but not terribly sad. I say that because the terrible days are days that I feel like I am the only one who remembers...I am the only one who still hurts. Today others remember or at least they express out loud that they remember. Caleb's facebook is filled with new messages from his loving friends who miss him very much. I started reading them and to my surprise one of Caleb's good buddies called my cell, just to check up on me and to let me know he was thinking about us, and thinking about Caleb. Those are the moments that get me by the worst of it. I'll hang onto that call for a long time, and I will remember that his friends will never forget and will always be thinking about us. That will make the dark days not quite so dark. I still find myself wondering up to the graves, just to let some of the pressure out. The sadness doesn't always come in the intense bursts of emotion like they would daily, but it is always there just underneath the surface. It just builds and builds until I am forced to let it all out, usually heaped up in a ball somewhere. I know what people mean when they say the phrase "heavy heart." Sometimes it still surprises me. Out of the blue the flood gates will open and I am overcome. There is nothing more personal than grieving. I don't even know why I am typing my process down in a blog. Maybe because, today I know I am not alone.

So here is to Caleb's friends. You are all so beautiful, never forget that. Your hearts are big, never let life change that. Thanks for remembering.

And here is to Caleb...I miss you more than words could ever say. You were my heart and until I see you again something will always be missing. But I will see you again. I think about you constantly, you are always with me, and I can still hear your voice. I love you bro. You are the beautiful one. Happy birthday. I am sure mom is making a big deal over it up there. All of my love.

Your big brother

A Quote and a Poem

2008-07-18T07:33:00.000-07:00

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief or bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

Henri Nouwen from Out of Solitude

We don't know how to be friends with people.

A Cut Finger

A cut finger

is numb before it bleeds,

it bleeds before it hurts,

it hurts until it begins to heal,

it forms a scab and itches

until finally, the scab is gone

and a small scar is left

where once there was a wound.

Grief is the deepest wound

you ever had.

Like a cut finger,

it goes through stages,

and leaves a scar.

Source Unknown

Scars change you.

Wordless

2008-05-04T16:17:00.000-07:00

Since my youngest brother and my mom passed away in the terrible month of march, I have sat down a number of times to post up a blog. Most of the time I just end up staring at the screen. Words just don't seem as important anymore. Unless they are words like, "I love you, I miss you, I am sorry..." Those words seem so much more important. Some words are just so empty like "I know what you are going through." No you don't, not realy. Despite all we have been through you would be amazed at the amount of stupid platatudes, often christian, that have been thrown our way. I think a lot of time people just don't know what to say so they say something that makes them feel better. They will through out a verse or talk about some kind of lesson they learned from some kind of personal tragedy they experienced. I know a lot of people are just trying to deal with life themselves but I know all of the verses, I have heard all of the sayings. To be honest they have no idea what I am going through and just because someone had a loved one die of cancer or in an accident or both does not mean that person gets me and it does not mean they get exactly what I am going through, just like I can't get exactly what my other brothers are going through, what my father is going through. The bottom line is I would trade any lesson I could possibly learn to have them back, even if it was only for one more day together. In fact I have not learned anything new anyway. Maybe that is arrogant but I don't care. I don't believe this was God's plan for me even though he knew about it long before it all went down. I believe our free will is what causes death...our choices have natural consequences...consequences that grieve us and grieve God as well. God's plan is to get us by, to be there for us and with us as we sit in this mess and in this pain.

Words. They make me angry sometimes and seem so meaningless other times. Many people have just said to me "sorry...I have no words" and to be honest that has meant the most, because I don't have any words either. Then there are those who you know undertand some of what you are going through but would never begin to think they understand all of what you are going through. They do not offer sayings or verses, they do not offer some kind of moral or spiritual lesson. These few people simply share the tears of remembered hurt with you and there are no words that can begin to capture that.

Empty Pages

2008-04-02T06:57:00.000-07:00

My life is full of empty pages.

(This was a post I wrote but never published as I tried to sit down to process my thoughts after my brother and mother passed away in the first two weeks of March 2008)

Now, not as clouded with grief, as I try to reflect on emptiness the noise of the women in my life...my wife...and the two angels who reside in my house, graciously distracts me from those dark places.

It would be better....

2008-02-01T12:16:00.000-08:00

He had been there watching Him the whole time. He listened a little, but often his mind would drift in and out. He thought about what had happened last night. His fist was swollen and sore. His son was gone. He remembered when his son was born, pain stung his chest and a tear dripped from his eye. Without blinking he wiped it away. He was sorry for hitting his son, he didn't think he should be, he didn't want to be, but he was. He wondered where his son was last night, he wondered if he was okay. His wife had cried and had not spoken to him since the fight. His swollen hand throbbed again. He was sorry, he didn't know what he should do about it, he didn't even know if he would ever see his son again, but indeed he was deeply sorry. He remembered the day they spent fishing down on the coast. The sand was hot and they had stood waste deep in the ocean telling stories and laughing the morning away. It was a favorite memory. A smile leaked and another tear followed it. He tuned back in as the man continued to speak. How ironic that he was talking about a son who had deeply wounded a father. A son who had wished his father dead. He shook his head as if to shake the words that were said in the dark hours of the night from his memory. The things they said could never be taken back. And what he did, hitting the boy, that could never be forgiven. And now the son in this story was wasting away. Was his son wasting away in some dark alley of some dirty street? What trash would have gotten to him by now? Anger rose in the man followed by a lonely feeling of helplessness. If only his son would come back, maybe he could make things right, maybe they could work out some kind of arrangement. Maybe they could just forget what had happened, forget the things that had been said and move on. In his heart he knew that was a pipe dream. What was he doing? He was not a dreamer. The crowd had grown strangely still as the man spoke of the boy's return to his father's estate. He listened intently just because that is what everyone else seemed to be doing now, as if they expected something powerful to be said. He wondered if the son would be treated harshly for his sins or if the father would accept him back as one of his servants. He secretly hoped the father would accept the son back. It could never be the same but at least it could be something.
"And while his son was still a long ways off, the father saw him for he had been watching and hoping for his son's return for a long time. And when he saw his son he was moved intensely with compassion. He ran to his son and tears of joy fell from his face as he embraced his son and kissed him. The son was shocked he stuttered and then tried to force out his rehearsed speech. When he finished talking the father called quickly to his servants who brought the son a robe fit for a king and jewelry to wear. "We are going to have a feast and celebrate your return," the father said looking straight into his son's eyes. "You were once dead but now you are alive."
This ending was all wrong. Did this man know what he was saying? Things did not end like this, they just didn't. And yet he had this strange feeling like he had hopped it would end this way. Confused he turned and walked away. He wondered by the temple, pausing outside he looked up and offered a simple prayer. Three terribly tough words, "I am sorry." He wondered on and soon he found himself at the door of his father's house. He knew what he had to do. He didn't want to do it but he knew. If he ever had a chance to make things right with his son he had to make something right with his own father. At least he had to try. He lifted his hand to knock and then put it down again it was so sore. He gently rubbed it and the door opened. "I saw you coming down the street,” his father grunted. "It has been a long time." The man looked up, "Too long," he replied, "I am sorry." It came out of his mouth a little easier this time. The father smirked and nodded a subtle affirmation of acceptance and then said, "You should come in, your boy is here." They walked into the house. When his son saw him he noticed the fear in his eyes, he paused, not knowing what to do next. He thought of the father in the story the man had told. He walked over to his son. "I heard something today...I just want you to know...you are my son...I am sorry and I love you." He didn't understand why he couldn't get his voice to stop shaking but he had said it. He knew others would tell him he shouldn't have but he wanted to and had hoped he would. His son wrapped his arms around him and he let out an uncomfortable little chuckle. Things would not be the same, things would always be different but they would be better.

Thanks

2007-11-27T05:45:00.001-08:00

If you were to stop and think about what you are most thankful for your answer would probably boil down to some sort of relationship. Deep down we are relational people. We need to be connected to other people or we end up talking to a painted volleyball like Tom Hanks in Castaway. We need relationships and, for the most, they are the most important things in our lives. Yeah our family may have us ripping out fistfuls of our own hair from time to time, and yes getting everyone together in a cramped environment is a great recipe for disaster. And yes a close friend telling us we need to get our heads out of the sand may tic us off. But, in the end, we desperately need those deep relationships. I guess God knew what he was talking about when he said it is not good for us to be alone.
I am most thankful for the many great relationships I have been blessed with and that makes me want to be the kind of person others are thankful to know.

Christ of the Naked

2007-11-19T11:19:00.000-08:00

The young lady was just standing there. Almost completely naked. The dust rose from the earth as the crowd of people shuffled around her. Some guy had drug her here by her hair. Spit flew in this young lady's face. They were shouting but she really couldn't here it. The noise of her embarrassment had consumed her, not to mention the hailmaker she had caught in her left ear. Her head pounded. The crowd continued to disgrace this poor, naked, young lady. Mischievous eyes stared at her from not too far off. People were actually enjoying this mess. The guy she was caught screwing was no where to be found. He had probably been allowed to escape to his family. They were not concerned about him, maybe because he was a guy and not some pretty young lady. For whatever reason the dude just got away with his sexual mischief while this poor young lady stood there with her once seemingly beautiful body being covered in spit and dust and hate. What a mess it was all turning out to be. She could hardly lift her head, she could not look up, her life, her heart and her soul were all shattered. It was the end of her. She had searched for love in the arms of someone who could never love her as she deserved. She had search but her search had left her empty and now on top of it all she was about to be punished by a hateful crowd.
The leader of this crowd the one who had pulled her with a fist full of hair to this cursed spot spoke up. Her head bobbled as she tried to listen to the words he was saying. Her eyes could not focus, her world was spinning. He was saying something. No, he was asking something. She heard his voice, "This woman is an adulterer, we caught her in the act..." How had they known, how had they been caught. So many questions ran through her mind. None of this made any sense to her and her head continued to pound. She stumbled and someone in the crowd spit on her and pushed her back into the middle of the crowd. "Hoar. You dirty little hoar. You go to hell," she heard someone shout. Her ears where going in and out and she could not stand for much longer. She heard the voice again, the one of the jerk who had punched her in the ear, "The law says she should be killed." She saw him reach down and pick up a large stone. The fear was crippling as she noticed the crowd dip to the earth and rise with sharp, big stones. This was how she would end. She hoped they would knock her out right away. She couldn't take a long torterous death. The crowd started to yell some more. The voice interrupted, "What do you say?" They must have been asking a judge, could this person spare her? A tingle of hope was wiped away by nervous anticipation. She vomited in the dirt. It was silent again. She stumbled and spun around. She could just make out, through her blurry sight, the vision of a man kneeling in the sand, playing with some sort of stick. He was writing something and everyone was watching him. The silence was different this time. Her hearing was not totally gone and when it seemed to come back she still heard nothing. Just silence. She fell to a knee and quickly stood up again. The man, by himself, slowly stood up. His voice was different than the others, "Let him who is without sin throw the first stone." The crowd still was silent. It seemed like forever. No one moved and then she heard it, a rock dropped to the ground and a tear fell from her eye, her lip began to quiver. She did not move and she could not move, she just stared at the ground. Thud...thud...thud..thud. Rock after rock dropped to the ground as people quietly walked away. It seemed like an eternity had passed and she lifted head. Everything was still spinning. No one was there. Through her blurred vision she could not see anyone standing around her. She tried to cover herself up as she suddenly felt so cold. There someone was, moving closer to her. She cringed, what did he want, what would he do to her. He stopped close to her and he came into focus. His eyes so soft, his face so gentle and warm. He looked at her and she heard him whisper, "Where are they, don't they condemn you?" Tears quickly ran down her face and she collapsed into his arms. "They are gone," she whispered. "Then I don't condemn you either," his voice sounded like life itself. They stood there in the street for a while. Jesus and this naked and abused young lady. They stood there and after a while Jesus whispered in her ear with more love than she had ever heard. "Go now and leave your sin behind."

And Jesus walks up to us as we stand there all alone full of shame, hurt and pain, naked in our hearts, barely able to lift our eyes, our worlds spinning and he says to us, "I don't condemn you either..leave it behind."

Christ, Match Box 20 and How Far We've Come

2007-11-11T13:13:00.000-08:00

There is hope to be found in owning our condition. The Music in my headphones pounds out a beautiful song by Match Box 20 called, How Far We’ve Come. Suddenly I am wondering why I want to raise my hands while this song pounds on my car speakers. At first it seems that the message is not an uplifting one. It is a pessimistic view of our earth’s condition played out in a rhythmic blast. Yes the words are troubling and yes they are poetic, but they also, for some strange reason fill my heart with hope. It may be that the words of this tune are hopeful because they call out for something. They beg us to be up to the task. The words sing, “I believe the world is burning to the ground, oh well I guess we’re gonna find out. Let’s see how far we’ve come; let’s see how far we’ve come. And I believe it all is coming to an end, oh well I guess were gonna pretend. Let’s see how far we’ve come; let’s see how far we’ve come.” The music blares and I can’t get it turned up any higher. Goose bumps spring from my arms and the hair is standing on the back of my neck. I just want to scream the words across the room I am now sitting in. There is hope in owning who we are and there is hope to be found where we are. My world burns to the ground every day. The flames of loneliness, despair, pain, depression, complacency, apathy and anger dance on the woodwork of our lives. We try to wrap ourselves in the security of success, knowledge, religion and relationships but these blankets are not immune to the appetite of the fire. We look around and we see the flames dance and our worlds are getting hotter. Global warming, Katrina, tsunamis, pollution tear at the world we live in, the consequences of our own need for more, faster. Our guts are too hungry for more. Alcoholism, addiction, fear and the fire continues to burn. Even now the owning our situation threatens to crush my spirit. The headphones go back on, “It’s all gone, it was cool, now it’s over for me and its over for you…” But “Let’s see how far we’ve come; let’s see how far we come.” I know what many uptight Christians will ask. They will pause holding the match of security found in their box of safe living and they will question me, “But this suggests we will see how far man has come…humanism, have you turned into a heretic? Turn back to God now, wolf. Real Christians don’t burn in everyday life. Real Christians should turn to Jesus with their worries.” To which I reply, “Have you not heard of Elijah and is not God at work in the world, is he not evidencing himself, not in the earthquake, not in the mighty wind but in the gentle whisper? Is not that gentle whisper being spoken in the hands and arms of the children of God who are not afraid to get a little dirty? Turn to Jesus, what if I am passing Him by as we speak? What if Jesus can be found in a friend or in a stranger?” Let’s see how far we’ve come. I am not tired of feeling a little toasty. I have been flirting with flames my whole life. I am tired of watching people sit on their roofs waiting for Jesus to come back when he is already here, shouting at the top of his lungs to his children, lets see how far we’ve come. I am not tired of making mistakes. I have made a lot of them and I am sure there are a lot more to come. I am tired of Christians living pretty little Holy and fake lives that don’t make sense to anyone. I want to see Christ and that means I need to get on unsafe ground, in the dirt, where the real pain is because that is where Jesus can be found. So I guess this rambling has not turned out to much, except for this feeling of peace. I guess it would kind of be like a feeling of peace in knowing a God who is not distant and who is not threatened by our condition a God who embraces our condition and offers the hope of a better day, the hope of a new life. So I will listen to the whisper that suggests a better world, without pain and hurt, without tears without flames. I will listen to that whisper and I will see Christ in the world around me gently and lovingly offering hope in my condition in the hear and now.

My Rearview

2007-10-29T19:11:00.000-07:00

Tonight I feel like blasting someone. Maybe it was the jerk who was drafting me on the way home from my mother's house. The worst part of the ordeal was my daughter was gently sleeping in the back of the car. I was left on mute as the guy (or gal) crammed my bumper gently up my back end. I think I felt my back tires lift a bit. As he turned off into a grocery store I denied the urge to offer some kind of hand gesture, besides it was too dark for anyone to see whatever it is I might suggest. I let well enough alone, and hoped the guy got his milk before the world ended. I hate being muted.
I could really let someone have it, but the thing is, I am trying to be taught grace and I want it bad. I want to respond to people that tick me off in a way that shows love. I want to stand for something bigger than war, bigger than hate and bigger than violence. I want to be known for my love. The other day I was in a grocery store talking to one of the owners when a guy I decked when I was a senior in high school came in and bought some stuff. I instantly knew who he was and I silently prayed, asking God to not allow him to notice me. I can be such a punk, and I was a punk for much of my life. One broken nose, three chipped teeth and the poor guy complained about his breathing all through track season. I know I apologized years ago but I should have done it again. Or better yet I could have let him take a crack at me, I am sure I still have a stiff jaw and I am sure it would have made us both feel better, but I am trying to learn grace. I am trying to accept grace and I am starting to get the idea that getting grace has more to do with letting go than it has to do with learning something new. It has to do with living in forgiveness and love. Living in it or drowning in it, so that we crawl out of the pool onto the cement sidewalk and start coughing the stuff up all over the place. That is how messy it should be. We are so arrogant to think that grace is something we can master, to think that we can become better at living in it than others. We are so arrogant to think that our minds have the best thoughts, that our questions are the most thought provoking, that our devotionals are the most inspiring, that our mastery of facilitation, our waxing from the speaker's stage, our literary gymnastics are so good that everyone should lend an ear to our voice. Why us, because we really get it.? We are so arrogant.
I think grace is starting to get me and the thing I hear most from its red velvet lips is to be humble and to be quiet. I am hardly ever humble enough to really love people. Its a flaw and I confess it to you. Slide back the curtain and listen through the screen embedded in this old wood. I have nothing to say that hasn't been said before. I have no gift that the world has never seen. Many people can tell stories. The world is full of people who have wonderful insight. I am simply one of God's kids, running around this messed up playground of a world hoping to slip on something genuine from time to time and also hoping to catch a few glimpses of my father in heaven. I tell you what I do have, something I want to offer more than sermons and writings. I have friendship and I would like to offer it to you, to the world and to all I come in contact with. Grace does not preach standards, which is really what most christian authors are doing. Grace preaches friendship. And I am trying to get grace or better yet, I am trying to let grace get me. And so tomorrow I will try not to ride up the back end of some car that is going 5 miles under the speed limit, I will say a gentle prayer for my enemies and I will try to be humble enough to really love someone the way Christ would love them.

Tank

2007-10-12T08:22:00.000-07:00

This is one of Luke Ott's paintings. It is abstract realism. While the picture does not do the real thing justice (the real life colors are incredible) this painting speaks to me. It speaks to me more than any post I have ever written and so I wanted to share it with you.

(please do not download and save this picture it is copyrited by Luke Ott, 2007)

Unseen Answers

2007-10-06T06:52:00.000-07:00

Every once and a while we get faced with a test that can cut to our soul. Something happens in life and we are thrashed and thrown to the ground. Eventually, when our head stops spinning, we look up bruised, scratched and a bloody mess and we mutter a question that, at the very core of us, we need answered. My question has often been: God are you who you say you are? I have spit and muttered that question a number of times in my life, and I have never received a clear answer. If I told you I did I would be a liar. Sometimes we muster up spectacular spiritual messages to make ourselves feel better, but today I refuse to pretend. In my soul I know God is who He is, and who I have claimed Him to be, but that does not mean that I can (or anyone can) completely wrap our minds around God. He is just not that easy to comprehend. Sometimes no matter how well we think we know God we just simply can not understand what he is doing or why he is doing it. Too often slick Christians on or off TV come up with some pretty interesting comments on understanding God's will. It usually has to do with blaming some kind of sin for something terrible that happened (Like P.R. blaming 9-11 on Gays) . Christians on TV should sometimes keep their mouths shut. Who are we to pretend we have God all figured out. My search for answers that I quite simply may never get or may never understand is exhausting. I throw in the towel and choose to blindly trust that in the end, no matter what end it may be, God is who He says He is and I am who He says I am, his beloved son, with whom he is pleased, a son he will take care of. It all comes down to that, whether I see it or not. Really tough stuff may try to rip my heart out and try to shove it down my throat but in the end that tough stuff doesn't really change anything. God doesn't change and his arms that held me when I couldn't even see them will continue to hold me even though I may be still blind to their view or numb to their touch.

I Love My Mom

2007-09-21T21:15:00.000-07:00

Lynne C Ott

Mom's Fight is Our Fight

2007-09-21T21:14:00.003-07:00

Mom’s Fight Against Pancreatic Cancer
Please join us in mom's fight against pancreatic cancer. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Get updates at http://www.lynnecott.blogspot.com/

Contageous

2007-09-21T21:14:00.001-07:00

Contagious, every time I hear the word I have to avoid the immediate urge I feel to leave whatever setting I am in and scrub my entire arms and hands with anti-bacterial soap. Thus is my plot in life, to overreact to things like colds, a slight fever, news of spreading avian flu viruses on other continents, strange lumps, different looking moles and lost Christmas tree ornament hooks.
Maybe I should explain the tree ornament hooks. One disappeared from a ball my daughter had grabbed off the tree last Christmas. After spending an enormous amount of time brewing my own personal paranoia, I convincing myself that my daughter had actually swallowed the hook. Yes and then after much work, I also convinced my wife that it could be possible, even though unlikely, which resulted in a midnight run to the emergency room, a slew of x-rays showing no hook and a quest to find out if the stupid hooks are even made out of metal or are they an non-magnetic alloy (that would not show on the x-rays).
All of this because diseases are not the only things contagious; ideas are contagious as well as attitudes, hope, movement, beliefs and many other things. So I guess the question is what you have been spreading. The world has enough negative, cranky, uptight, highly contagious self-centered people. Every once and a while I find myself sitting among them, even being one of them. Fortunately I realize, in moments of clarity, that I am probably taking myself way too seriously and I am not being kind or loving to anyone, thus being less Christian than I could ever be and usually that snaps me out of my foulness. Sometimes I need the help of people close to me to wave the ever potent wafer of my own self-righteousness under my nose and the stink from that usually does the trick as well. Sometimes the contagious disease of our own attitudes can take over and in one huge encompassing infectious wave we stop having the disease and become the disease. We walk around slinging ourselves, our own hard and miserable ways on everyone else, casting judgment, being merciless, not really ever caring for anyone but us and what we think. As Christians it is easy to worship ourselves and to become diseased with this kind of idolatry, after all we are "more righteous," than "the world" (Someone define that term for me. Not really I don't want to your explanation. It serves no purpose but to promote the separatist mindset seen nowhere in scripture. The only other use people can think of is to protect "weak" Christians from sinning, which really only promotes another kind of sinning.) and "real Christians, not like those people that go to _(fill in the name of another church here)_____________." How sad and no wonder no one is knocking down the doors of most churches in America.
Thank God he is a healer. What we as individuals and as churches need most is healing. Not the kind of healing that keeps us alive, but the kind of healing that helps us live. A healing of our hearts, and minds including our attitudes and how we treat people unlike ourselves, thus following in obedience to Jesus, who said the most important thing is how you love God and the second, how you love others. We need a kind of healing that is contagious, one that spreads joy and love and patience, and perseverance, and hope, and forgiveness and gentleness, and did I mention kindness (See the love is list in 1 Cor. 13.) And yes my own personal plague is not found on the list created by the Healer, for there is no room for paranoia.
Who knows maybe you got the good disease, you have been taken over by love, would you mind, for all of our sakes, walking up to the next person you see and sneezing all over them. That would be great.

Stopping Jesus

2007-09-21T21:13:00.001-07:00

I picture the scene (Mathew 20:29-34). People are surrounding Jesus as He makes his way down the street. Two lonely friends sitting on the curb quietly and desperately holding onto each other's arm, start to catch onto the racket being made by the crowd as it moves closer. They are frightened at the commotion, they can't see, they have been kicked and beaten before on these very streets and now they feel an uneasy tension sweep through their bodies. They hold onto each other even tighter. The mob moves closer and as it starts to engulf them they hear the name. It is a name they have heard before. It is a name they have heard in stories of healing, in stories of hope. It is the name of Jesus. Suddenly their tension turns to relief and then desperation and they start to shout. This could be their chance and not knowing what else to yell the start to yell out the name, His name. "Jesus!" They are being bumped and shoved by the crowd which threatens to pass them by. They start to yell louder and as they do the crowd grows louder as if to silence them with the noise of their busyness. It doesn't work, the guys start to scream and I mean scream. "Jesus!, Jesus!" The crowd perturbed, annoyed and even angered by these two homeless, decrepit and smelly excuses for human beings, rebukes them. The rebukes are not pleasant. "Shut up, go get a bath, get off the streets", punches are thrown; the guys are shoved and spit on. Who knows what the crowd is thinking but underneath it all was the belief that these two guys, for whatever reasons, were not worth Jesus' time. The people in the crowd were just worth more and they were certainly more worthy of Jesus' time than these two dirt bags. They had followed Jesus, they had loved Jesus. The scene escalates as the shouting grows louder and louder. Then Jesus hears it, he hears his name, he hears how His name is being said and he stops. The shouting of two blind and dirty guys stop Jesus and He turns toward them. The crowd is overcome with silence. Jesus works his way over to the men standing their darkness. The hair on their necks is standing, they can't see but they can sense something crazy, no something other worldly is about to happen. He draws close to them pushing through the crowd, through the ignorant voices which just spewed such hate. He moves close, close enough to touch them, close enough for them to smell him to feel the air of his breath as he speaks, "What do you want me to do for you?...What do you need from me?" The crowd is suddenly confused, what are they witnessing, someone snickers an obnoxious chuckle at Jesus' obviously dumb question. Jesus hears but ignores the implication behind that interruption; he looks into their blind eyes. The men stand speechless, leaning on each other. "What do you need me to do for you?" His voice is so gentle, so calm and so powerful. The silence is both mysterious and spiritual and is only interrupted now by the nervous mumbles of two desperate blind men as they sputter out, "Lord," tears pour down their dirty cheeks, "we want to see." Jesus is moved. He is filled with compassion as he sees the lives past, present and future of these men. A tear now moves down his dirty cheek, it rolls slowly down the side of his face until it hits his upper lip as it curls into the most beautiful smile anyone has ever seen. He lifts his hands and he touches their eyes, and they see. They see the most beautiful thing they have ever or will ever see. They see the eyes of Jesus; they see his wet cheek and his bright and gentle smile. They pause for a moment, more being said in the quiet than words could ever express. Jesus turns and walks down the street. The street where the cries of the desperate had stopped him and there close behind him were the seemingly unworthy, the previously blind and the still smelly men who wouldn't shut up, the men whose cries stopped Jesus. Quietly behind them moves a humbled and hushed crowd who just witnessed a miracle. Not just any miracle but one done to the least of them all, one done to the unexpected and the undeserving, one done to two beautiful souls.

And Jesus says to you…close enough to touch you…close enough for you to feel his breath…

"What do you need me to do for you?"

Tired

2007-09-21T21:12:00.002-07:00

Unbelievably tired. Those words define the ever fragile mental and emotional state of yours truly. Honesty is something I value. I am trying to be more and more honest the older and older I get. Sometimes I pull it off rather well, if I might say so myself. Other times...not so much. So in my ever challenging quest to become more honest I will humbly admit to you that I feel so worn out right now that I cannot motivate myself to spit the worn our, tasteless gum from my mouth to the garbage can located directly to my left. I almost mustered the motivation to spit it on the floor, but when it came down to it I was too tired to convince myself that this would be a good move. Writing this blog may be a last ditch effort to get something going. It helps that all I really have to do is move my fingers...tap, tap, tap.
I have come through the last two months with some great stories of freedom as well as some battle scars of my own. My friend Steve tells me that this is how I know I am doing good work. Steve suggests that it is a good thing when people, specifically Christians get upset by the things you say, it means that I am telling something that needs to be told. I'll take his word for it, he certainly knows what he is talking about. He is one of the only Youth Specialties Speakers I know of who has had security called to one of his sessions. It is strange to me that people will fight tooth and nail against the message of God's grace...the very grace that affords them the ability to fight tooth and nail against whatever they so choose. To me, the alternative to God's grace is not one I care to indulge in.
I have so many stories I hope to tell you about in upcoming blogs. Sorry it has been so long. I will leave you with this:
Nothing is harder for Christians to swallow than grace. We want to believe we have something to do with god's love. We want to believe that we are better than other people. We want to know we have something to offer God. We do not. We have him....we have His Son...that's all we got...which means that even when I am exhausted, worn out, tired of being a voice for God's grace, and sick of being someone who helps people understand God... He still looks at me as beautiful. I am going to rest in that for a while.

Baccalaureate Speach Excerpt - Who are You?

2007-09-21T21:12:00.001-07:00

You can listen to this speech/blog on itunes (just go to the itunes store and search my name or holding vigil. Or you can go to my podcast site www.holdingvigil.mypodcast.com

This is a significant point in your lives. No doubt you have felt a mix of emotions. Many of you may feel sadness wondering what the relationships you have (with your friends, with your family, with your girlfriends or boyfriends) will look like in a few months. Others may feel excitement with the anticipation of something new happening in your life. Still others may feel complete joy at making it through. And finally being done. Very soon you will be done with a stage in your life. Graduating from high school is an accomplishment to be celebrated. But graduation does not only signify the successful completion of a stage in life it also signifies the beginning of a new stage in life, you are entering society as someone different a high school graduate.
This German guy many of us probably care little about, Ethnographer Arnold van Gennep, would call this a rite of passage. These rites of passages, says gennep, have three different parts. First you withdraw from the group you have been a part of and begin moving from one place or status to another. Last, they reenter society, having completed a rite of passage as someone different. In the period between those two stages you are left in limbo. It is a anxious time when your identity is tested.
This is significant when you understand that sociologists would say that we live in what is known as a gamanchaff. The gamanchaff is a sociological setting in which we change groups when we change activities. We have a group for each activity we are in. (Work, Hobbies, Athletics, Clubs, Church, Family, Parties) What is significant about this is that each group gives us a different sense of self concept. Each group gives us a significant message when it comes to the question. Who am I?
This is the most important question you can answer. You have probably been bombarded with those annoying questions, about your future. Over and over and over again people are asking you what's next, what do you want to do. Its okay if you don't know what is next. You don't have to have all the answers right now. In fact most of the adults that ask you that really are just trying to start a conversation and they really don't know how to do that with someone who is just graduating. There a lot of people with very nice degrees and jobs that are still trying to figure out what they are supposed to do.
The most important question you need to answer is not: What are you going to do next but who are you. What defines you as a person?
In our gamanchaffs people and society are always trying to answer that question but their answers are often shallow and based on our performance and roles.
These social groups give us messages about ourselves, The problem is in today's western society we jump from group to group to group often from identity to identity to identity that when finally everything slows down, finally when we go home at night, finally when you find yourself in some sort of limbo…like the summer after graduation we are left wide open for a crisis of identity. We look in the mirror and we don't know who we are anymore. Everyone will tell you that this is a very, very important question to answer. But very few will help you answer it.
What would happen if you could really know who you are without having to buy into what everyone else is saying. You are so much more than the performance based messages you have received from peers, teacher's, coaches, and even sometimes parents. You are valuable and your personal identity should run so much deeper than the clothes you wear, the sports teams or clubs you are a part of or by what social status your peers award you. Your are more than what people will say about you.
God through out history does not see people as we see people. Time and time again throughout the bible God chooses people that we would not. He chooses a bigot to be cross cultural minister, a drunk to build an ark and save the world. The greatest king…David whom God called a man after his own heart, was an adulterous murder, Moses, whom God called his friend, killed and Egyptian man and fled to the desert later to walk with God and free a nation. Rahab was a prostitute. Time and time again we get a sociological insane message that says to us, God sees our worth when the groups in our gamanchaffs don't. God see us different, he looks at our heart.
In the book of Ephesians, The apostle Paul calls those that are found in Christ: Holy, Blameless, loved, chosen, precious. Those are insane words that don't really describe anyone I know. Maybe Paul hit his head or maybe Paul got what God has been trying to tell us all along. God does not see us as people see us. He has created us and we are loved, His grace tells us that there is nothing we can do to get him to love us more and that there is nothing we can do to cause Him to love us less.
That is the kind of identity you have in God. It is an identity that is never lost, it goes with you wherever you go. From group to group to group when your day is done you will be able to look in the mirror, no matter what your day has brought, no matter what people have said about you, whether you failed or succeeded, you can look in the mirror and say: I am valuable, I am loved, I am not alone.

Grace

2007-09-21T21:11:00.002-07:00

Her name is Grace. She, tired and worn out from weeks of trying to break into the industry, showed up to church on Sunday. People greeted her at the door and the ussur shuffled her in to sit down. People looked and stared and wondered where she came from. Grace was someone they did not expect to see in church. Grace was someone they really didn't want to see in church. She made people uncomfortable. She reminded people of who they really were. If Grace could waltz right in and sit down then anyone could. She didn't look like she fit in. She had this confidence that seemed to ignore all the reasons she should leave. A murmor swept through the attendies until sudenly silence took over like cold takes over winter. Grace sat quitely in her seat but her presence could not have been louder. People squirmed and shuffled. The music started, a nice distraction to the hearts of people who wanted to have church go on without Grace. Grace smiled to much, a genuine smile, one of joy. She delighted in the songs that were being sung even when the songs were too loud or not the crowd favorites. She listened to the sermon and even took communion. People thought Grace shouldn't take communion. She didn't seem like she understood how wretched her sins were. When she smiled during communion people noticed and reared. This was something the church board should know about. Grace has no place in church, at least not this church, and certainly Grace has no buisness taking the sacriment of communion. The echoes of this setiment were strong, like the smell of a scunk. The sermon started and Grace took out a worn Bible. It wasn't nice and organized like all of the other Bibles in the sanctuary. A page fell to the floor. The pastor spun the story of the prodigal son, the major point being how wretched we are without Christ and how terible the world is without Christ. Grace wrote a note in her Bible. The man sitting next to her leaned over not being able to resist the temptation to see what was written. Maybe Grace had understood, maybe now she would finaly receive Christ and get her life togehter. The man's wife grabed his arm as if to say, just leave her alone, don't get to close, we look good now, people like us now, lets not get involved in Grace's presence here. The man glanced down, he couldn't quite make out what Grace had written, her handwritting was so sloppy and who uses a purple glitter pen in church. He leaned in a little more, he could read the sentence. Suddenly the man slumped in his chair, and tears started to fall down his cheaks. His shoulders heaved. His wife embarased, wondered what people would say. The final song began, the man could not get up to sing it. He just sat there, crying. Grace sat with him, now people would really be talking. He lifted his head and grace gave him her pen. He smiled. He opened his Bible and wrote: "How wrethced I am all the time, even now with Christ, How great is grace."
People shuffled out, politely saying goodbye all the while pretending to be better than they really were. One man left different, he had met Grace. He had sat next to her and she was contageous and powerful. In an instant she had altered the game of the man's life. No longer did he have to pretend, no longer did he have to fear. He knew Grace and she had freed him. He could smile during communion, for he was forgiven all his failures. He could sing songs he didn't like, because they talked about the Father who ran to His wretched son, they spoke of the Father who ran to him. He understood now that being a Chrsitian was being honest, honest about the weakness and honest about the joy of being found. Grace had found him.

Forgive Us...

2007-09-21T21:11:00.001-07:00

Forgive us…

for doing the right things for the wrong reasons. I don't know how we started this trend. As your children you think we would have got it, we would have understood that the right reasons matter more than the right actions. We base almost all of who we want to be on these meaningless acts that we use to prop ourselves up as spiritual, as good people, as Christians. Forgive us for believing that the end justifies the means. Forgive us for talking about grace, because it is trendy, makes us feel good, and gets people into churches; help us to talk about grace because we so desperately need it. Forgive us for playing our self-righteous fiddles while watching others dance to catch up to our rhythm. Forgive us for pretending to be people of prayer, people of devotion, people of conviction. Forgive us for forcing others into our own self-spiritual growth constructs. We make people do this and that, and act this way and that way, and talk about this but don't talk about that, and come to this and not that; how we have crushed the beautiful innocence of your children. Forgive us for not trusting you to work in the hearts of people, forgive us for implementing our 12 steps to spiritual growth programs in our Sunday schools and churches. Forgive us for trapping people in the pressure to grow, thus, wounding their child-like search for you. Forgive us for believing in forgiveness and then pretending we are sinless. Forgive us for our blasphemy found firmly rooted in our lack of trust, our anger, our desire to play god in people's lives, or lack of acknowledgement of your sovereignty. Forgive us for tainting the true gospel message.
Help us become an honest and humble people. Help us in our unbelief and in our lack of faith.

Me on a street corner in Vancouver.

2007-09-21T21:10:00.002-07:00

Walking down the street feeling like I had just met Jesus in the flesh in the arms of a homeless guy left me feeling so peaceful. It was soon there after, the realization that this trip to feed some people was more about me observing than doing anything spectacular, really hit home.
Why is it that we feel we need to do stuff all the time? One of the things the teenagers pointed out to me this week was that God is not like teachers, parents, police (lol) etc. He doesn't force us to obey Him. No, his approach is much more liberating than that. He sets us free to choose to follow Him and His instruction. People that get this understand real quickly that the only people trying to force change on Christians are....DaDaDahhhh....Christians. The real change, the good stuff, comes from the Holy Spirit moving us to change out of love for our God. Then obedience is an act of trusting love, not dutiful obligation.
We had regrouped our stomachs full from our visit with our new silent homeless buddy. Picking up another AIA, Abbotsford Action soccer player we walked on. We didn't talk about our previous encounter; I think we thought we would spoil it. We turned down a side street and there in front of us was a wretched, skinny, torn up homeless woman. She was in rough shape, almost naked, her dark brown hair all strung out and full dirt and probably bugs. Wretched is not the word that struck me. She had not noticed us. So when we offered her coffee she swung around on the curb a little startled. I felt bad. This was a woman who was strung out. Her arms were so messed up from shooting heroine that I felt like fainting. Yes, I don't handle needles well. She was violently offended by our offer. "I want money," she screamed so loud I reached for my wallet. I held off. "Listen we have food and coffee and you can have some or all of it, but we can't give you money." I felt so stupid saying that. She screamed and thrashed around on the ground, physically punishing herself and visibly punishing us. Expletives flew from her mouth, she was so angry and hurting. All of the sudden I felt pain. I glanced down at my ankles to see if a run away needle got me. I was clean and the pain was still there. In that moment I realized her pain was very, very close to my pain. Suddenly I understood this appointment meant something for me, not something for her. My second appointment of the day. Here, right in front of my eyes, thrashing around on the ground, expletives flying, hurting, in pain, was me. I felt as if I was glancing into my very soul. I saw my life, my pain, my rebellion, my disgusting, miserable addiction to my self. Again silence pierced my tongue. I wanted to throw up. We walked away, quietly. As we walked away I felt the peace of my first encounter slowly sooth the self pain I had just experienced. It was as if my experience with Jesus had met my pain and dirt and had washed me clean again. I wanted so desperately to help but I could not. It was only something the spiritual, the God love could make new

Tragedy

2007-09-21T21:10:00.001-07:00

In the face of such tragedy, what is there to say, feel or think. I certainly do not know what to say. My heart breaks for the families and friends of those who perished at the hands of some senseless and cowardly young man. All I know how to do is pray. Sometimes I feel I don't even know how to begin doing that.

It seems our world has become full of tragedy. So much death. So much violence. It threatens to steal my hope. But I won't give them (those that would perpetuate this kind of senseless hate) that kind of power. I won't let some murdering weed steal from my heart the beautiful dream that along side of evil the good in this world will grow. That for every murdering soul there is a soul breathing life into the hurting and lost, a soul caring for the sick and wounded, a soul bringing light into the darkness. If you watch you will see them even now, on the campus of VT, caring for the wounded of body and of spirit, ministering to the families of the victims, remembering the lives of the lost, holding hands in quiet prayer, hugging friends and family, rebuilding. You will see them in the stories of heroism and survival. There voice is shaky, their hands will tremble for they have suffered and survived much, but there they are, the good students, the good profs, the good doctors, the good nurses, the good sons, the good daughters, the good counselors, the good friends, the good law enforcement officers, the good news media, the good administration, the good fathers, the good mothers, the good sisters and brothers, the good. The good people of this world remember and hold vigil for those lost in this tragic event. May the good in us all rise and spring us toward hope for a new tomorrow.

No Time

2007-09-21T21:09:00.002-07:00

Hey, Hey, Hey. Listen. Life comes at you sometimes with so much stuff that needs to be done that there is little time for anything else There is no time to really enjoy some of the finer things in life, such as: ping pong, chesseckers, popcorn, hot dog eating competitions, swiming the english channel, prank calling everyone you know and some people you dont know, scaring the crap out of pizza delivery guys and blogging. My life is pretty buisy right now. I wish I wouldn't have procrastinated when life was moving much slower a few weeks ago. Anyway...You wont be getting blogs from me until May. Go ahead and Cheer you cheeky buggers. I will be working on a crazy amount of grad school work in an effort to better myself and keep my GPA through the roof. I also have Iddie's wedding in a few short weeks. Should be a blast. By that point in time I will be ready to dance the night away. And then you shall receive more blogs...including the sweet, sweet Baccalaureate speach I will be delivering at BMHS.Peace and Love. Thanks for hangin in there.

My contacts feel glued to my eyeballs.

2007-09-21T21:09:00.001-07:00

Sometimes nothing can wake me up. This morning I was really dragging, thanks to some hang out time last night at the Hunter's. I got up at 6:00 am after just a few hours of sleep and stumbled down stairs to take my dog Butch outside to take a leak. He is a great dog. I love him so I sucked it up and took him out this morning. Of course the thought of moping up puddles of urine in the kitchen will also get you out of bed pretty quick. I couldn't even see, my contacts felt glued to my eyeballs. It must have been a sight to behold. There I go being dragged by my dog, stumbling around unable to make sense of the world around me all in my way too tight and way too old sweatpants. I hope the people driving by were able to recover from the amazing or terrifying sight they beheld. Beauty is certainly in the eyes of the beholder.
I am a mess when I am tired. I am a cranky, miserable and sloppy and most mornings I just don't care. I thank God for my beautiful wife and daughter without whom I would sleep most of my days away. No matter how much I don't want to get up, I always feel better up than if I let myself sleep the morning away. What I think I want is not what I need. In fact, what I think I want is not really what I want at all. What a profound thought, I think I hate it, but I also think it is true. So I have to ask myself this stupid and lazy morning...what do I really want and what do I really need? A million things come to mine, mostly material stuff, but somehow I don't think they are the true answer to the question. I think maybe the answer is a little more emotional...no, no I think it is a little more spiritual. Hopefully a little more coffee will help clear it up.

Shawn, Cells and Old School Rap

2007-09-21T21:08:00.000-07:00

Great news. A new ministry I have started with a few friends is officially on the web @ www.holdingvigil.com. We are so excited about this ministry but at the same time we are not taking ourselves too seriously. This is just going to be a lot of fun. Check it out.
On with the blog...
Yesterday a good friend of mine Shawn Hunter (aka: Puffy Comber, P-Shawny, Shauwna, The Gorrilla, Big Ace Hunter, The only official primo Owl Call Sponsor, ETC.) Told me he was reading my blogs. I didn't even know Shawn knew what a blog was. This brings me to the point (rather quickly) for today's blog. There is a strong desire among many of us to be and stay connected with other humans. This is the reason I am constantly going over the minutes on my Verizon plan at the risk of being chastised by my beautiful wife. We have text messaging, aim, picture messaging, blogging, video blogging, video messaging, blackberry phones, pagers (if you kept yours when everyone else through theirs out in 1994), email and many other things all with the purpose of connecting us with other people. It is a little disgusting to know that at any point of almost any day any person can get a hold of me...at the same time kind of like that. Is that because my desire to be connected in a meaningful way is pacified by the thousands of superficial connections I make every day or is it just because I am sick in the head?
Our need for connection is immense. We have been created with a need to be connected to our maker. No amount of earthly connection can ever cover that void. We can take a shot at pacifying that need, many of us try a lot of different things a lot of different days, but nothing will ever give us the fix we need. There is no true peace without connection with God, there never has been and there never will be. On top of that we were created by God for connection with others. (Refer to Adam and Eve) Unfortunately in this crazy world, real connections with other people who genuinely love and care about us are rare. Our lives are filled with wounds. Our hearts are tempted to harden all the time by the things around us.
I think we would benefit from being reminded how far we will go to feel connected, understood, loved and accepted. I think we would benefit from remembering how unsatisfied we often are. I think we would benefit from turning our face back toward the God who has never left us and has always pursued our connection with Him.
For now I am listening to "Bust A Move" on an old school rap CD...wishing I never realized how much I couldn't live without a cell phone.

A sotry of Christ on a Loading Dock in Vancouver

2007-09-21T21:07:00.002-07:00

I remember one cool summer day in Vancouver BC, the soccer team I played on (Abbotsford Action) decided to take coffee, sandwiches and fruit downtown to the homeless of the city. The goal was to witness to the homeless and help them understand Christ and our need for him. Sounded like a good idea so off we went. I was partnered up with another player, a good friend, who attended Wheaton University in IL. It didn't take long for us to wander off the main streets into a back alley behind an old company. There sitting all alone on a loading dock was an older homeless man. I asked if we could sit with him for a while, he didn't say a word. We tried normal introductions, the man was still speechless. We offered food and coffee, he silently accepted and we plopped down on the loading dock with him. The stench was incredibly bad. It became very clear that this man had defecated himself, probably as a means of protection or to keep goofy people like us away. We sat in complete and utter silence. Not knowing what to do and suffering from some hunger ourselves, my friend and I started to eat too. I wondered when the last time this man shared a meal with someone. Certainly he had at a shelter or with some other people who came to give food and share the gospel, perhaps not, never the less we ate. I will admit eating with that smell was not ideal but sometimes my stomach has some weird power over my other senses. Silence and more silence yet strangely it didn't seem awkward. It felt peaceful to tell you the truth. I was reminded of when Christ told the story of the sheep and the goats in the book of Matthew. The goats said something like...(weakly paraphrased) "But Lord we preached for you, we healed the sick, we cast out daemons..." and Jesus replied (again weakly paraphrased) "Depart from me for I never knew you for I was sick and you didn't help me, I was naked and you didn't clothe me, I was hungry and you didn't feed me." Could it be possible for this man to be representative of Jesus at this very moment on the loading dock in a dirty alley in Vancouver? Suddenly sharing the Gospel with the man felt strange, like maybe this man should be sharing the gospel with me. I waited and still there was silence. To be honest, I felt moved in my spirit. I felt loved there on that dock, I felt touched in some way through the suffering of this man. We finished up our meals and running through a Bible tract seemed a little like it would serve us more than it would serve him. I could tell he was grateful for the food and it seemed like he was even more grateful for our silent company while he ate. We got up after what seemed like forever. Not knowing what to do I wondered what Christ would have done for this man and what I would do if this was Christ right here in front of me. I wanted to cry and I really needed a hug, so I asked him for one. He turned and faced me and I had the smelliest and most beautiful hug of my life. I whispered..."God loves you man." It was all I could say. My friend hugged the guy as well and we walked away. I met two people on the street that day that altered my life, he was one of them. I remember smiling and walking with my friend for a long time. We were just smiling and silent.

I'm not balanced!

2007-09-21T21:07:00.001-07:00

My very good friend Brad says he doesn't think my heart has been in my posts lately. Which got me to thinking…who cares… it was good information! Alright Brad, I will try harder even though you deleted your profile and have to call me to leave your comments on my voice mail. Get a clue dude… I am screening your calls (hehehe). And about yesterday…do they make crocks that fit you? I will admit that I am a little out of sorts today (that means screwed up in the head). I don't know why I feel so off balance, but I think I will try to enjoy it.
People are always telling me that life works best when everything is in balance. Maybe, but sometimes it is just not as much fun and sometimes it is not very realistic. There are things that we should make sure stay balanced…like our brains. Or power, power is good to keep balanced. We won't get political right now, but we could. Diets are a good thing to keep balanced (all coffee + no food = off balance). Drama is definitely something that needs to be balances, right Lori (Brad's Girlfriend)?
But spirituality…I am pretty sure it is okay to be off balance. Christ didn't come to help us get it all together. He didn't promise these tidy little lives, with tidy little homes, and tidy little families. This is really funny (not really) because many of us go to church and act tidy and squeaky clean as if we are living these perfectly balanced lives. What a stupid game. Top it off with a bunch of spiritual leaders who are trying to make everyone's spiritual growth look the same, everyone's lifestyle look the same and we have a church spiritual clones. I want to be in the church of Christ's family, which even though it is forgiven is still robust with dysfunction. The truth is just as each of us are different and unique, so our spiritual lives will look different and unique. That is a beautiful thing. What a shame, that so often we don't allow people to experience that. What a shame that we set people up for failure by putting all these spiritual expectations on their lives. When it comes down to it we don't trust God to work in people's lives. We want to get in there and do it for him. People look different, people go through different stuff, people feel different things…it is okay to be off balance.
Today I am off balance and that is okay. It is okay because Christ came for the unbalanced, the untidy, and the unclean. He came so that in the midst of our unbalanced, messy lives we could experience forgiveness, peace, freedom, and hope. I think today I am just going to rest in that.

Addictions and the church (addictions 2 read 1 first)

2007-09-21T21:06:00.004-07:00

Many of us are addicted. The only thing that helps us ignore that is: our addictions aren't picked on. Addictions are something we run to and get trapped by in an effort to make up for a perceived loss (we are not happy, we are hurt, we feel guilty, etc). This also has biological basis for some people and biological affects for all people. So this is a complex issue, that we make seem so simplistic as a church. Addicted to Alcohol....Ask Jesus, he will help....Addicted to food....Who cares. Addicted to Sex....You evil dirty person. Addicted to Nic. (depends on the denomination)...In most cases, smoke stogies and your okay...smoke cigarettes and God help you.
How dare we play this game with people who are addicted! Addiction includes the Spiritual, Biological and Sociological. It is not simple. It is a trap that is not easily broken once entered into. Why do we make it feel so simple to overcome for some and so terrible for others. Yes the consequences for different sin vary in degree and scope. What idiot doesn't know or hasn't felt that. But listen the doughnuts the food addict is shoving down their throat when they feel sad or alone is the same gun that can kill sex addict who is risking stds by having risky sex. Same gun different bullet.
Why can't we as a church really get that there by the grace of God go I? It could be you...It may be you, struggling with addiction. As a church let's start loving these people. Lets lift them up in stead of leave them alone. Let's see addiction as addiction (no matter which bullet is in the gun). Let's not spit on the sex addict anymore, while ignoring the food addict. Let's hug and help them both. Let's understand that you can be addicted to anything, including sports and music. Stop throwing rocks at people from the pulpit. A pulpit doesn't give anyone that right...neither does a calling! Start throwing hope, the hope that with help the need underneath the addiction can be made well. Christ is close to the broken hearted, the poor, the alone, the week. Let's start being close to them too.

Addictions 1

2007-09-21T21:06:00.003-07:00

Addictions. Most of us have them and none of us really want to talk about them. So screw it, upon the request of friend and my own desire to think and discuss addictions, here we go. I will blog on this matter twice.
You can be addicted to pretty much anything. Crazy hugh? It has to do with the neurological pathways in our brain (specifically the pleasure pathway) and the release of certain neurotransmitters (5HT, Norepinephrine and Dopamine) which fire neurons throughout the brain. But it also has to do with what we think will pleasure us out of pain, or out of the absence of joy. We get caught in this terrible addictive cycle. It is important to mention that the cycles of addiction operate differently for different addictions. The addictive cycle of nicotine is different than the addictive cycle of sex. So to get an idea of what you may be working through you should really do some specific addiction reading. This blog is not going to cover enough ground. A general and basic cycle of addiction is we feel or don't feel what we want or need to feel, we decide we are unsatisfied, we make a decision to act, we act, we are superficially satisfied, we realize we are unsatisfied (even more so than before), we seek more of the substance or act to satisfy the greater need...etc. The cycle has much deeper, and more painful implications but hopefully that sketch helps you think about addiction a cycle with a trapping mechanism. The act fires the pleasure pathway creating brain functioning that actually deepens the feelings of the cycle mentioned above. In other words the cycle will never get better on its own or ignored. Left alone not much ever gets better (maybe a scuffed knee).
If you are addicted, get help from a therapist. The obsession part of an addiction will sacrifice anything, which can and will leave a lot of people near and dear to us hurt as the cycle deepens.
At the root of addiction is a deeper need. Sometimes it is a need to be forgiven; sometimes it is the need to forgive. Maybe it is the need to experience joy or hope or to be relieved of shame. Please understand if you are addicted to alcohol, porn, sex, food, nicotine, heroin, pain medication, sleep medication....etc. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU NEED HELP TO BREAK THE CYCLE. PEOPLE LOVE YOU AND WANT TO HELP YOU. THERE IS SO MUCH TO GAIN BY BEING FREE.
Christ came that you may have freedom from sin and shame. That you may be forgiven and forgive. That you may understand true love and joy and hope. Talk to someone about it. You were created for more.

Judge Joshy

2007-09-21T21:06:00.001-07:00

Honestly why do we judge people? And why do Christians seem to be so good at it? You think that Christ forgiving us our debts would help us remember what it was like to feel condemned and then have a breath of freedom wisp through our soul. You think we would understand grace. You think that we would be champions of grace, that we would spread it around and show it to any one who would let us give them a hug. Instead we opt to make others feel like crap. We even judge eachother. Evangelicals are the best at this one. They will say that other Christians really aren't Christians. Maybee I am wrong, but I dont think any group of people gets to decide that. I have met great people of beautiful faith from all Christian denominations and last I heard God seperates the sheep from the goats. If you remeber that story the people who thought they had it all locked up were the most suprised. Maybe we should be a little more careful in our condemnation of others. Maybe it would be a little bit wise for us to admit that we cant possibly understand all the deep things of God. Maybe it would be wise for us to judge as we would wish to be judged. Was Jesus just bluffing when he said that Mathew 7? Maybe he was just talking to the catholics, or the lutherans, or the pentacostals or baptists or evangelicals. Or maybee he was talking to us all.
I am so sick of Christians being self-righteous. As if their sin doesn't stink or as if someone else's sin is some how worse in the eyes of God. I am real tired of Chrsitians yelling at people. If we dont love, we dont even get it (seen 1 John 4) Poor Micah, the guy who treads around college campus's spreading a diseased gospel, one in which only the god of self can be found.
We don't show grace and maybe it is because we never have truelly experienced it.
It might just be a good time to turn our eyes on ourselves and look into our hearts to see if we are loving, kind, self controled and patient.
Those count more than devotion and it is hard to be judgemental when you are living like that.

Thoughts on Spiritual Growth

2007-09-21T21:05:00.001-07:00

Spirituality for the weak is something I have always been intrigued by. Maybe it is because my spiritual walk grows in an a-typical fashion. I have never fit into the typical spiritual growth formula a lot of churches offer. In fact I am pretty terrible at doing the things I am "required" to do to be a "good" Christian. I spent much of my life feeling like I was a complete failure when it came to my faith and things of God. I was never good at doing my "daily devotions" and my prayer life is hot and cold. I can't count the number of times when I was a youngster the good youth group kids tried to hold me accountable for my actions. They must have been pretty frustrated with their failed attempts to rescue me from sin and an apathetic spirit. In honesty I have never been apathetic when it comes to my faith. I care deeply; it just doesn't look like many would want it to.
Recommitals to my relationship with Christ would come after particularly depressed seasons, dastardly deeds and trips to hear some speaker "fire us up" about God. They never lasted long. Eventually I stopped recommitting and resigned to grinding out my faith with a lot of fear and a little trembling. In reality I think this tends to be a more scripturally based philosophy on spiritual growth than revival get togethers, as the old timers call them. That isn't to say that getting excited about God is a bad thing, it is a great thing. It is just to say that spiritual growth is full of failure, hurt, doubt, unanswered questions, struggles, anger and pretty much anything that is a natural occurring theme in life. The good news is there has always come moments (or longer) of peace and joy. The better news is that the overriding theme is one of hope and grace.
Mike Yaconelli writes a great chapter on spiritual growth in his book, Messy Spirituality. I highly recommend this book; it is my wife's favorite book on Christianity. Buy it, you won't be disappointed and even if you are the book will make you feel okay about it.
My own assessment of spiritual growth is that it is terribly difficult and that it occurs weather you realize it or not. I am always reminded of the passage in Philippians chapter 1 verse 6 where it says, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion..." Sometimes that verse is all of the hope I can mumble. Our faith is simple faith that is lived out through struggle. There is nothing simple or easy about spiritual growth except that it happens, even when you don't want it too. One of the big problems with spiritual growth is that much of Christianity is programmed to miss it. We are programmed to see works, dedication and good behavior as signs that we are right with God. This can be crippling, trapping us in a defeated lifestyle, one without joy, without hope and without freedom and forgiveness. What saved us, sustains us: GRACE. If only we were to look at the heart...peace, joy hope, desire to understand and search, self-control, patience, a heart for the oppressed and weak to test our spiritual temperament. If only we could see that struggle and doubt may be essential to the completing work God is doing in the hearts and lives of His children. If only we would understand how deep the roots of legalism run in our hearts and our church communities. How freeing it would be to be allowed to grow in our relationship with God without hearing about our failings (from ourselves and others) over and over again. How awesome it would be if people cared more about demonstrating Christ's love than converting our behavior. How beautiful it would be to be able to understand that we are the beloved and God is our Lover, no matter how crazy and messed up we tend to be.
This is not a license to do whatever we want, there is wisdom involved with true freedom. It is a license to allow ourselves to grow. It means enjoying our freedom in Christ, lavishing in our forgiveness and seeing God for who He. It is a license to struggle and question, to hurt and to be tired. It is a license to allow God to work in us without feeling like we should stop him because we are not good enough or a spiritual waste of time. It is the freedom to be completed.

Aidan's Journey

2007-09-21T21:01:00.000-07:00

Some of you have read my blog titled. @@@@@@@@For those of you that are praying for my friend's son Aidan (thank you for that) here is a websight that will give some direction to your prayers. Again thank you for praying. www.aidansjourney.comThanks J-Bird for the info.

Old Friends. Inspired by Nate

2007-09-21T21:00:00.002-07:00

Okay so that last blog idea was a flop. Lesson learned.
Here's to old friends who warm the heart. Inspired by my good friend Nate.
I have had the opportunity to be understood by people my whole life. Sure there are a lot of people who misunderstand me, who just don't get me, but God has allways put people in my life who can look me in the eye and understand who I am and what I am about. A good friend of mine from TIU reminded me of this. I woke up feeling particularly crappy and there it was, a message from Nate, a man I fought hard with on the soccer field and a friend who allways lifted my spirits and added color to my life at a time when it was looking pretty grey. Nate is one of those guys every guy needs in their life. We shared some good times and made some great memories. Ofcourse a handfull of those great memories were made at the cost of chapel attendance, which landed me on chapel probation which meant I had to listen to a crap load (about 12 hours worth) of chapel tapes just to graduate. As I sat listening to old preachers harass college kids with (for the most part) leagalistic, sometimes spiritually abusive and almost allways boring sermons, I knew all those memories were worth it. Nate had me listening to classical music and going to tuba recitals and actually enjoying it. Man that dude was inspiring. We did get to fight a lawsuit together which was particularly fun. Nate and I kept our heads together for the most part. Greg and Perkins (our other roomates at the time) were a little paranoid and didn't handle it as well, but I love that about them.
Perkins was (and is if, I could ever get a hold of him) like a big brother to me. I allways felt safe around him, I allways felt loved by him. Yeah we got into trouble together from time to time. Perkins and I always leaned toward trouble a little bit more than others at our lovely conservative college. At the same time I remeber hanging out together in our room, playing Madden Foorball on his play station and listening to Tom Waits. I owe perkins a lot. He as well as the other guys helped me get through some tough times. I could allways talk to Perks about anything. I didn't always talk to him, but knowing I could meant the world to me.
Palmer. What can I say about my blood brother Palmer. Never have I been understood by someone like he understands me. No one ever called me out on my crap with the gentleness and love that he showed me. When ever my eyes don't see light he turns his headlamp on. Palmer and I have kept in touch over the years ocasionally getting together (this last time thanks to his awesome wife who flew me out to CO for some QT, I love that woman) and every time we talk I feel loved. Palmer would do anything for me and I for him and it is nice to know that the space between us could never keep our hearts from connecting.
Neil Gatten. What can I say about Neil. He shows me hope when I need to see it. He continues to teach and mold me from AZ, where he lives and awesome life. He is so much to so many. Words can not describe all that Neil has been for me over the years.
Then there wer guys like Heavy D, Jay Bird, Jakus and others.
All this to say that as men we need other men to get us. We need friendships that are strong. We were created for that. We need guys to remind us to stop when we need to stop, to rest when we need to rest and to go for it when we need to go for it. Brotherhood is an awesome thing. I have three brothers in flesh whom I love intensly. I would do anything for them, they are my heart. Through the years God has given me many other brothers in heart and spirtit. Without these men I would not be the man I am today.

@@@@@@@@@

2007-09-21T21:00:00.001-07:00

Today is just one of those days. I don't feel very good, to be honest. It isn't that I am physically sick, although I am sure some neurons are worn out and I think the neurotransmitters are a little off balance today as well. My biology is a awry. I feel sluggish, tired, depressed and my anxiety is through the roof. It is a day I need to accomplish a lot and all I feel like doing is putting my head on a pillow and sleeping. What I want to do, I know, will just make it worse. A lot of things in life are like that.
The "good" fundamentalist Chrsitians, would say that my issue today is a spiritual issue. That "good" Christians don't have anxiety. If you are right with God you won't be depressed, you won't feel the way I feel. What a bunch of uneducated, scripturally abusive crap. The truth is we all feel this way from time to time, and that is okay. I believe in a God who walks with the tired and downcast. But that is for a different post at a different time.
Now for the real reason I am posting today:
One of my good friends from college just learned that his his son has stage 3 Neuroblastoma. Neuroblastoma is a cancer that generally affects toddlers and infants. I am not sure what the prognosis is but please pray for Aiden and his family. As a father I can't even begin to comprehend the pain and confusion the family must be going through.

Sweat Envy

2007-09-21T20:59:00.001-07:00

God is an envious God. I love this about Him.
In most cases envy is a terrible thing. It can really destroy relationships. I know I have destroyed a few myself. I look back on some of the stupid things I have said and done with an envious or jealous spirit and I think out loud, "Man, you are an idiot." I said some really stupid things to my wife when we were dating. I have never felt more stupid than when I apologized for them just this past year. Thank God for a wife who is much more understanding than I am. I remember getting pissed off because she was going to a club with some girlfriends to dance. Jealousy crept in and I gave her a terrible time late that night. I hate the jealous, envious, controlling me. I wish someone would have kicked me in the balls and told me to sit down. Fortunately my wife did a few times. Thankfully she doesn't kick to hard.
When it comes to God, His envy and jealousy isn't wrapped up in all of the negative insecurity ours is. He doesn't fear rejection. He doesn't worry about who is going to dance with us when we are clubbing. His jealousy is from pure motives. He wants the best for us. He desires, more than our love, to love us intensely. I could use some of that love on days when I feel like crap about myself and on the days I think I am pretty cool.
In the book of James God tells us that His Spirit envies us intensly.
It is nice to be wanted like that.

Church = Whore or Mother?

2007-09-21T20:58:00.000-07:00

Why is church important? This is a question I have asked myself many times. Sometimes my answer has been that it is not very important but other times I would have to admit I have needed it desperately. I know that this question is a question many believing young people my age are asking. If it is being asked it deserves answering. The older generation of Christians were brought up to believe that the church is important, just because. And so in an act of "spiritual commitment" they attend church so as to not forsake the assembly of believers. Their unquestioning commitment or even faith that church is a place they are supposed to be is admirable, but to a generation that believes the assembly of believers could be found in a basement watching football games or around a dinner table or at a home discussing the bible or social issues the answer that has served our predecessors so well is not holding up. Of course the work of God on a person's life is not dependant upon the church and yes one can worship alone. In fact they should. The Holy Spirit works in ways unseen to develop the spirituality of the individual. But at the same time we are also called to community, to be something bigger than what we are as individuals. We are called into the body of Christ; we are joined with others in spirit and in hope. Each individual is essential to the function and development of the body of Christ, the actual church as defined as the Children of God.
St. Augustine once said, "The church is a whore, but she's my mother."
While the church (organized Christian religion), has often been a "whore" to the actual message of Christ it still is vitally important to all of us. It is the church who taught us about Jesus, His love and forgiveness. The Church has ushered many of us into spiritual adulthood. It has cared for us when we were broken; it has even brought us food and for some provided shelter. It has carried the message of Christ through the centuries delivering hope.
I know the church has worked the dark alleys in the red light district often. It has chosen judgment over grace many times. It continues to hurt people God loves by misrepresenting the message of Christ. It does this by rejecting people whose sin crosses some kind of man made cut off line. Do this you can still come in, do this get the heck out of here and don't come back. The church has opted for legalism in many cases instead of grace thus cheapening even ignoring the full work of Christ on the cross. The church has misinterpreted scripture to make it more safe, less scary and comfortable. It has misinterpreted scripture to suit itself. It is true that the church has hurt and wounded many people, like a guy I met in Vancouver who was asked to leave church because he smelled like booze, or like the homosexual who is dying to know if God still loves him but can't walk through the doors of the church because he fears the people who fill the seats. The church has hurt the divorced the drug addict, the woman who has had abortions, the pastors who try to lead them, the people who feel they have to hide their real struggles, the church has even hurt itself and the church has hurt me.
But the church is our mother. From the time the early church met in hidden spots or in houses as seen in the book of Acts until today with our enormous cathedrals, or massive mega churches or little country churches or home churches found in basements or living rooms all around the country the church has mothered us through our long history since the days of Christ's good work. It has mothered us as individuals. It has brought about social change. Sometimes it has abused this role but it has also helped to feed thousands of starving orphans all over the world. The church has helped aids patients in their darkest hours. The church has built schools and bought Christmas gifts for those who have none. The church has attacked poverty in third world countries and has fixed the homes of the elderly and utterly poor. The church as provided shelter and food to many homeless people.
There is something about worshiping together. The Bible says that when two or three are gathered together, there He will be also. It is a statement that shows us that something very special happens when Christians get together to worship. I believe it is easy to miss this "something special" when our hearts are also playing the role of the harlot: harboring bitterness, judging and just plain old being selfish. But it is there, together, if we are humble enough to feel it, to let it in, to have our eyes wide open, it is there when we see and understand the beautiful thing that Christ calls His bride.

Death

2007-09-21T20:57:00.002-07:00

Saddam Hussein was hung a few days ago. I almost watched it on youtube, but as the time approached I just couldn't do it. I don't want to watch another human die. Death is such a permanent thing. No chance for renwal or restoration. No hope for repentance and forgiveness. The chance of change is gone. There is nothing. No hope. It is final.
I don't know maybee Saddam didn't deserve any chance for forgiveness or repentance. Maybee since he took that chance away from so many he didn't deserve it himself. I am not sure we get to decide that. I think of the hundreds who were wrongly convicted and executed during the civil rights movement. What a shame. Obviously the two don't compair (mass murderer and framed people). But does deserving death have anything to do with being executed? And deserving in whose eyes? In the equality of sin I am just as terrible in God's eyes as anyone else.
To me there is something very sobering about the finality of death, no matter who it is that is doing the dying. It is such a permant thing. It is such a spiritual thing. I think it best happen at the hand of God.
I am sure people will be upset by my thoughts on the death penalty. I find myself holding more and more to what the Roman Catholic Cardinal Joseph Bernardincalls the seemless-garment theory, which promotes a "comprohensive and sonsistant ethic of life." Consrvatives don't really like this and neither do the liberals. So if you want to debate the stance you will find yourself with lots of friends.
I am really glad that through the finality and permanence of death there is hope. Hope becasue death was defeated once, by a guy named Jesus who refused to stay buried. There is hope through him that my nastyness can be forgiven. I don't have all of the answers. My spiritaulity can get pretty sloppy sometimes and I can be a terrible person. But I know that when I die, I will live on with Christ.

FEARWARHATEWIN

2007-09-21T20:57:00.001-07:00

Why is it that so many Christians are hung up on words like: fight, battle, hate and win. We hear all of these nutty phrases like: We need to hate the world. We are at war with out culture. We need to get out to the polls and fight for our countries morals. Win back America. Then all of these crazy books get thrown at us by well known Christian guys who I sincerelly think are starting to looze a little focus. They are caught up in a power struggle they don't even realize and it has nothing or at best very little to do with God. Ron Luce wrote this crazy book called, A Battle Cry For a Generation, it is my third copy. People keep sending them and I keep throwing them out. He freeking showed up to a conference in a black hummer dressed in camoflauge. How histericaly sad! Then you have Josh McDowell's new scare book, The Last Christain Generation. It is almost like God would cease to exist if the US wasn't "Christian" enough. It is as if fear is the only spiritual motivator left. What happened to love, forgiveness and freedom? Are they to scary? Will people abuse them? I sure hope so because they are the greatest motivators of all.
The older I get the more I start to realize that the fundamentalist movement is the same as the legalistic movement. These two movements are tied so tightly together that I beleive they are inseperable and I fear the majority of people in these movements believe in a small god a god who is not soveriegn. They fight, because they really are afraid of God loosing. They war with the world because deep down their faith and self-control and hope is so fragile and week and they fear it won't stand up to living with the world. What a scared and sad way to live.
Hey who am I to talk? I have some real week faith myself. Fortunately my small faith is in a big God. I don't have to scare people to him or get all upset over gay marrage. I am not restrained to a theory of fate or fear. I am not all tied up by the the laws of legailism, or the political moral responsibility people try to push on me. I wish pastors would start pastoring and withdraw there goofy opinions from political realms. Or I wish some of the politicians (Like Fallwell, Dobson and Robinson, too name a few) would stop calling themselves pastors. Our world, and the spiritaullity of our country would be alot better served. I really wish they would stop acting like they speak for the entire evangelical world. Thet certainly don't speek for me.

Christmas Spinnings

2007-09-21T20:56:00.001-07:00

Having a daughter has taught me alot.
I don't think I could ever put enough accurate words together to describe what it is like to have someone so precious, so perfect be a part of you. It is kind of like that crazy feeling you get when are in love, but better. Your heart and mind race all the time. You worry, you sweat you over analize and dream. You feel like you never have felt before. Eevry time we have a doctor's apointment for her I feel nervous and anxious. I remember the first time she cried while I was holding her. I balled my eyes out, I didn't know what was wrong, I was scared and helpless. My poor wife. Jen comes out of the room to see the two of us balling our eyes out, just standing there. Constantly, constantly I am reminding myself to stay calm and be strong. My daughter needs me to be a dad. She needs me to be a good, strong, loving and sensitive dad and that is what gets me by. The craziness and anxiety of fathering a beautiful angelic gift from God disapaites when she looks up at me and calls me by my new name, dad. She smiles so big her teeth have to hurt, waddles over, gives me a hug and a kiss and laughs that crazy little laugh. It is the kind of laugh that can either mean pure joy or pure trouble. I find myself hoping and praying for the pure joy answer every time she grins it. I hang on to every mumbled sound that falls out of those lips. It is a wonder to watch, she grows and I melt. I don't listen to country music anymore, I hate those songs about guys walking their daughters down the isle. I never knew I could love so much. I never knew I could feel so much.
I couldn't imagine spending this Christmas without her.
So many dads have to or choose to. I feel bad for the soldiers, from all of the countries (esp. ours), that can't see their kids this Chritmas because they are out pointing freeking guns at eachother. My heart breaks for those kids who won't ever be able to spend another holiday with their fathers or mothers because of some stupid war.
My thoughts drift to Christmas Eve. I have been givng the Christmas eve "talk" at our church for the last 5 years. I don't really mind, it is a nice service and there are usually a lot of people there. But I am sick of the normal Christmas Eve service message. I have a right to be sick of them because I have been speaking them for a long time. This Christmas I want to think about something different, something fresh, something real, instead of the "Jesus is the greatest Christmas present ever" speal. Don't forget the free part. Jesus is a free gift...
Really? Free? That would mean that it didn't cost anybody anything. Maybee forgiveness from Jesus is a free gift to receive, but I really don't think the blood soaked foot of the cross would wisper it was free. I can't image the pain and suffering Jesus went through. We call that free? Or how about the Father? Giving up his Son, what a terribel first Christmas. To give your only, loved son up to our a bunch of goofy humans, allowing man to raise Him. I could never do that. I could never give my daughter up. I could never give her up to be used, made fun of, cursed, spit on and killed. Even if that stuff wasn't go to happen, I couldn't give her up. I couldn't give her up to anyone, not even Doctor Phil. But then again, I am not God.

GIVINGGIFTSMUCH?

2007-09-21T20:55:00.003-07:00

Its rainy and warm today, December13. Rain two weaks before Christmans, what a great way to get in the holiday spirit. It is often said that Christmas is a time for giving. I don't know how I feel about that. Yeah God gave us the greatest gift in the birth of his Son. I kind of think that the biggest gift God gave us was not Christ's birth, but His painful and bloody death on the cross. But I guess it is all about Jesus and you can't have one without the other so it really doesn't matter. The point is Christmas is probably supposed to be a time of giving. Most of the time I love that about Christmas. I love buying gifts for people and watching friends and family spend time together, moods elevated, tearing the hell out of wrapping paper. My mom is allways trying to save the paper. Why do moms do that?
Sometimes Christmas reminds me of giving and I feel like crap because I come face to face with the realization that I am a selfish person. I am selfish not because I only think of myself all the time, I am selfish because I don't spend enough time thinking of others and because I don't spend enough time giving to others. Tons of kids will spend this Christmas without gifts, without homes, without parents, without people to love them and without food. And just to add insult to injury guys like me will ignore them. We will politely disregard the orphans fighting for life in Africa. We will pass buy the Salvation Army coin collectors and pretend we are in too much of a rush to give them a few cents. Who knows what we will do if we actually see a homeless person. We will eat fat meals and open fat gifts and go to fat houses to wash down fat cookies with fat milk and then we will sleep in our fat beads while so much of the world withers away. My conscious is pricked. In my life I have fed the homeless and even given them money without asking that stupid question, "Are you going to spend this on booze?" as if the answer to that question mattered at all. Who cares what they spend it on. Our responsibility is to open our wallets and let a little love spill out. The Fundies like to remind us not to encourage the homeless to be drunks. Nice excuse for avoiding situations that make you feel uncomfortable fellas. I even hugged a guy who had crapped his pants to keep people away from him. We sat and ate lunch together for 20 minutes, neither of us said a word and it was awesome. Those have been some of the times I have felt best about life and about myself.
I don't live in a city anymore. I can't walk downtown with a bag full of groceries and coffee, but that is okay because I can do something. It is something small but I can do it. What if we all started to do something, even if it was something small?

What am I?

2007-09-21T20:55:00.001-07:00

So, I am here in Charlotte, North Carolina, at the National Youth Worker's Convention put on by Youth Specialties. Last night I sat in an Irish pub with my inner circle friend, Neil Gatten. If you have had the incredible privelage of meeting Neil either at TIU, La Casa De Criso, YS or my wedding, you will know that Neil is the kind of guy you just can't help but fall in love with. I had not seen Neil in 4 years but as we sat sharing eachother's company it felt like we had never departed.
We sat in the smoke filled, dimly lit pub with some Irish tunes playing in the background and conversed. When I say conversed, what I mean is our hearts poored out to eachother, our souls connected, our minds vommited the thoughts of two people discontent with the world around them. We talked about love, my wife and my daughter. I smile just thinking and missing the two of them. When my wife answers the phone my heart just feels better. When my daughter says my name, "DA, DAD. HI, HAHAHAHA," I tear up. We talked about friendship and the depth of our need for it. We discussed loving others, our own failures, our own successes and the church's successes and failures. We absorbed thoughts on politics, the moral right, the death penalty, abortion and gay marrage. Our minds realed and angered at the culture of fear our world and its politics try to feed us. We dreamed of a better world, a world filled with hope. We talked about Christ and we fell more in love with Him as we talked. He is so beautiful, so strong, so pure, so loving, so different from what we try to make Him. We cried over eachother's losses. We held back weeping over stories of people's hearts being broken.
I felt so healthy.
Eventually we talked about our students and our groups. Neil told me that he thinks I have a very Ecumenical youth group. It means we represent almost all major Christian denominations (Catholic, Lutheran, Evangelical, Methodist, Main Line and No Line) and we respect and love that diversity. I reeled with pride. As we discussed denominational differences and theology I couldn't help but wonder where I belonged. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. All of the sudden I felt alone. I had to ask, "What am I?" Neil's loving eyes squinted and he smiled the kind of smile that pulls you right out of whatever dark place your heart and mind has wondered (a lot like the look of Christ). He paused and said, "You are free."
"But what does that mean?" I asked.
"It means that you are free, free from all the debate, all the crap. It means that you get what it is all about."
I have never heard something so freeing in my life.
I am free.

The Sound

2007-09-21T20:54:00.001-07:00

I hear the sound of something new, something free, something beautiful. I hear the sound of hope for a new tomorrow. It plays like a beautiful symphony and hearing its notes make my heart leap with joy. The sound comes from hearts that refuse to be manipulated by fear. It is a sound that comes from young people who are willing to speak justice for those too weak, too used or defeated to speak justice on their own. The music dances in the hearts of people who are tired of letting politics brood hate and fear. It sings from voices that refused to be silenced by legalism. It hopes, has faith and loves. It loves the Iraqi children who our bombs orphaned and for the families of our soldiers who have perished. It cries for the lives lost to capital punishment legislated by hypocritical politicians who claim to value life. It weeps for the thousands who die every day from starvation and aids. The music plays out on the streets of cities when people give to the poor and homeless. Listening to the music helps my heart breath.
Tonight, as my heart breathes, I cried. I cried because I am so self indulged that I casually ignore the pain and hurt around me every day. Caught up in my own life, I refuse to let my heart settle on loving others who are different than me, others who don't fit into my everyday life. I pray for God to grant me ears to listen to the music of hope and a heart to follow my ears. I pray for my daughter, I pray that she will love where her father has failed. I pray for her world, for a better world. I pray for a generation that is more concerned about loving the lost and broken hearted than what to buy or wear next week. I pray for our country. I pray that we will refuse to be dictated by fear of terrorism or immorality. I pray for the optimism and hope of Christ to spread. I pray for the orphans, for the aids patients and for the homosexuals that the church has trampled on or ignored for so long.
The greatest three things are hope, faith and love. If all you have to offer is hope, than hope for a new tomorrow. Hope for a better world. If all you have in you is faith, than let your faith flesh out. Let it play the music of trust in a God who loves unfairly. If all that you have is love, than open your heart to loving all people, regardless of their place in life or in the world.
Music starts with an idea. It is written one note at a time and it ends in something beautiful. I pray that your notes play the music of hope.

Happiness

2007-09-21T20:51:00.002-07:00

Christmas makes me happy. Today the family picked up our Christmas tree. That kind of stuff just makes me feel good. Maybee it is the smell of the tree or the cool air or the fact that everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, for whatever reason, I am just happier doing things that have something to do with Christmas. It is good to be happy. It is really good to be genuinley happy doing something healthy.When was the last time you were really happy? Here is the thing, I think most of us have trouble really remebering being truelly happy or content with life. Because we are so often unhappy we try to generate our own happiness often through superficial or fake crap. Sometimes we even try to generate our own happiness through dangerous stuff like drugs or alcohol or acting out sexually or by taking risks that put us in the way of harm. So have you pinpointed your outlet for generating your own superficial happiness when you feel like crap. We all do it, the key is to understand why and what and to start to make healthy choices and changes. Changes that result in true happiness. I don't know why you are unhappy, if you are. I don't know what you do to make yourself feel better when you are sad, lonely or depressed. I do know that your life can look different than it does now. It can look better. You can have a new day, a fresh start, something new and clean.

Self Control

2007-09-21T20:51:00.001-07:00

Thanksgiving reminds me, once again, that when it comes down to it I have no self control. I spent the day overeating and treating my body like one huge freeking food disposal machine. It is as if the one job my body had was to break down food to create more space on planet earth. GlutonyI don't know why we think of this "deadly" sin as no big deal. When we think of sins we think of the bad stuff. The crap that everyone knows is sin. But overeating, no big deal. The early Catholic church got it right when they put it in the top seven. And most of us probably got it wrong when we ate until we could eat no more just because yesterday was turkey day. When I think of all the sick and hungry kids around the world, born into their crappy little worlds with no food, no help and often no parents; I am discusted with my self. I probably ate enough food yesterday to feed a village. There was probably enough food on our table to feed a whole county in the third world.Anyway, just trying to keep perspective and give you something to think about.Peace and Love.

The Cold

2007-09-21T20:48:00.000-07:00

This morning my office is freezing cold. Someone must have turned the heat off this weekend or maybee I did, I don't know. Needless to say I am pissed off. It is so freeking cold in here I can't even type. Typo after typo after typo after typo, all because I can't feel my fingers anymore. I had some coffee and that got me by for a little while but now even that is gone and I have nothing to comfort me anymore. It is days like this that I want to go home and hide. Being cold makes me mizerable. For those of you who now think that I am a pansy, I have a story about being cold. One you probably can't top.
When I was in college, one of my best friends and I were really into adventure. Specifically, the kind of adventure that would scare the piss out of us. We wanted to go where none of the other egomaniacs in our school would ever want to go. We wanted to have stories that would shut up all the North Face wearing posers. So we adventured. We took risks.
One of those risks involved extreem cold. During a thanksgiving break we headed to Chad's home. We drove all the way to Bolder, Collorado from Deerfield, Il. The next day we descided to camp at about 13,000 feet near Estes Park. Our excursion would include hiking up through the snow, finding a snow drift, building a snow cave and spending the night in it. It was an awesome and dangerous adventure. Our excitement and fear teased us as we planned the trip. We got up there and spent all day digging our cave into the side of an enourmous snow drift. Unfortunatley we were a little unprepared. Our water froze. We didn't have enough time to build a fire and the temperature dropped so fast that we would have to take turns working and keeping worm by walking around stomping the blood back into our feet and working it back into our fingers. As dusk closed in we could see a storm rolling in over the mountain. We quickly finished and crawled through the tunnel that led to our sleeping quarters. We were so Cold. We watched eachother for signs of hypothermia. For me elevation sickness set it. I procedded to throw up in the snow cave a number of times. The cave was so small I could hardly kneel up. We lit some candles to generate some heat. With candles and body heat a properly built snow cave should stay around 30 degrees. Ours was about there so we desided to get into our sleeping bags (North Face Bags that saved our lives). Chad started to display signs of distress, he was mumbling nonsence and acting weird (both signs of the begging of hypothermia). The cold was getting us. I knew we had to get warm or he would get hypothermic and I did not know if I could get him down the mountain in the dark to the warmth of our car. We wrapped up tight. I layed there peeking out of the hood of my bag watching chads breath freeze on his long gottee. We talked until I was convinced Chad was warming up safely. Then there was silence. I hardly slept that night. The storm was making a tremendous amount of noise. A few times during the night it sounded like the wind was going to rip us from our meezly snow cave and send us down the mountain. The cave held. We both started talking right before sun up. It was still too cold to leave the protection of our bags so we waited, cold but not in danger. All I could think about was getting out of there. My body ached, I had not had water since 3:00 the previous afternoon. My head was pounding. We decided to crawl out when we could see the sun shinnig through the hole in our cave created by the candles we had burning (another rooky mistake). Stuck in our tunnel by a new drift that had enclosed our entrance, Chad dug us out. I have never been more excited in my life. The air was beautiful and the sun was warm. In the distance you could see the remenants of the storm that had passed. We got to work, got warm and headed down the mountain.
Since that time, whenever I get cold, I try to remind myself that I made it through that. I try to remind myself that there was a time in my life just outside of Estes Park in the Rocky Mountanis that I was colder than I will ever be.
Here's to Chad whose frinedship and love helped me experiecne things I never thought possible. He helped teach me how to live and how to live well. Our many adventures are a testament to the pwer of real friendship and a warm heart.
Bodies get cold. Even hearts can get cold. But they don't need to stay that way. There can be warmth and comfort felt in the midst of Cold circumstances.
There is more to life than what we see.